Summer Without the Burnout: A Therapist’s Guide for Perfectionists and People-Pleasers
A note from the author: This blog post was updated in July 2025 with some new reflections and added insights.
You look forward to summer every year, but feel exhausted by the time it’s over (or, let’s be honest, by mid-July). And every year you have great intentions—to do things a little differently than the year before, so you can actually enjoy it. But inevitably, every year you get caught up in the cycle again, and you end up overcommitting. As a therapist in NY who works with perfectionists and people-pleasers, this ends up coming up in plenty of sessions this time of year.
Summer can feel exciting, like a welcome opportunity to get out and have fun, even bringing up memories of being off from school for the summer. But it can also bring on extra pressure, since it tends to come with its own set of expectations—to go to all the social gatherings, spend time outdoors, and make the most of the long days. And if you have tendency towards anxiety, perfectionistic patterns, or people-pleasing, you might feel even more pressure to do it all “right,” or to make sure you’re doing “enough.”
As we’re getting closer to the end of the season, that pressure to enjoy the last few weeks of summer as much as possible might be amping up. Whether you’re feeling pulled to say “yes” to plans because you feel like you need to fit in as much fun as possible before the colder, darker months come back around, or because saying “no” is difficult any time of year, you’re not alone.
But if you know that overcommitting yourself tends to backfire, leaving you feeling burned out and even more rest, you probably want to avoid repeating that pattern this summer. So, let’s talk about some strategies to help you navigate these last few summer weeks without the burnout:
1. Identify What’s Most Important to You
When you’re trying to figure out how to spend your time, it can be hard to know where to start. As a perfectionist, you might be focused on trying to make the “right choices,” and if you add in people-pleasing tendencies, you’re probably also getting caught up in what you think others want or expect.
So, I like to start by taking a step back. Take some time to think about what you value, enjoy, and/or need most. Do you feel energized when you spend time outdoors? Does staying in (or going out) with your partner, close friends, or family help you feel grounded? If you’re being honest with yourself, have your body and mind really been craving more rest?
Think about who you most enjoy spending time with. It might also help to figure out those people you feel obligated to see, but ultimately find draining to hang out with (no judgment here!).
If it helps, you can write these down, so you see it all laid out in front of you. If there’s a lot that’s important to you, you might mark off the ones that are the most important to you (remember, this step is based on your priorities, not other people’s). Doing this can help guide your decision-making process, as a reminder of what you actually find valuable.
2. Reevaluate Your Expectations
Is your idea of “making the most” of summer filling every day with experiences or commitments? And when you really think about it, do you notice you’re not actually enjoying it all because you’re feeling drained and always thinking about the next thing you have to do (or all the rest you really need but don’t have time for)? If your answers were “yes” and “definitely yes,” let’s try redefining what a fun—or “successful”—summer is.
So, are you just looking to check off all the boxes on your list this summer, or are you looking to enjoy your time? And if you try to do it all but can’t (or just don’t enjoy it), will that just be another disappointment? Identifying realistic expectations helps set you up for success. You’re human, so your capacity is limited, and committing to everything isn’t necessarily realistic or even fun.
Reevaluating your expectations of summer might mean shifting towards defining a “great summer” as one where you were finally enjoying what you did—because you had the capacity to really be present in everything you were doing, you got the rest you needed so you weren’t so irritable, and you spent more time on the things you enjoy. You can practice reframing your expectations so you remember to focus on the quality, rather than the quantity, of your experiences. How you make this shift is based on your priorities—what expectations are realistic for you, and which fit with what’s most important to you.
3. Practice Saying “No”
If you’re a perfectionist who tries to do it all, or if you have some people-pleasing tendencies (or both!), saying “no” can be a big challenge. But going back to those realistic expectations, “no” is a necessary part of preventing summer burnout (and burnout in general), because honestly, we can only take on too much.
First, remember that it’s okay to pause before responding when someone asks you to make plans, come to a party, or help with something they’re working on. Automatically responding doesn’t give you a chance to really think through what you actually want or have the capacity to do. You can let them know you need to check your calendar, or think about how much energy you have, before making plans. That’ll also give you the chance to check back in with that list of your priorities before automatically saying “yes.” Plus, as a bonus, it tends to feel a little easier to say “no” later on, when you’re not feeling put on the spot.
I also recommend taking a few minutes to come up with some polite but firm ways to say “no.” Having a few lines ready to go, so you’re not scrambling to figure out the best phrasing in the moment, can help take some pressure off. Here are a couple ideas to get you started (bonus points if you put them into your own words):
I wish I could make it, but my schedule’s packed right now
That sounds like fun, and I’d love to see you, but I don’t have the energy right now to commit to anything else
I don’t have the energy for a party right now, but I’d love to schedule some 1:1 time with you!
I won’t be able to make it, but I hope you have a great time! I’d love to see you once my schedule calms down, so let’s plan something soon
And for fun, in case you’re feeling really bold and want to channel your inner Phoebe Buffay 😉 – I wish I could, but I don’t want to
If saying “no” still feels really weird or scary, that’s totally normal. And it’s okay to do it scared! Before diving right in, it might help to practice saying it in the mirror, or with a therapist or friend you trust (either as a role play, or an actual “no”). And I know the idea of letting someone down can be tough, but remember that another person’s disappointment isn’t inherently a reflection of your kindness or your worth.
4. Set Realistic Limits
We’re all different, so we all have different limits. It’s easy to compare ourselves to a friend who has seemingly endless time and energy, but that’s usually not a fair comparison. I want you to think—like, really think honestly—about how often you can handle social interactions, and how many events you can attend, in a day/week/month, while still enjoying it all and not feeling totally exhausted. If 1 event a week is your sweet spot, or you can enjoy multiple 1:1 hangouts but feel tapped out with more than 1 group hangout per week, keep that in mind as you’re planning out your summer and figuring out what to say yes to. And remember, you can refer back to your list from #1 if you need some help prioritizing along the way.
If you still need a little more motivation to say “no” this summer, remember that if you consistently push too far past your limits and don’t properly take care of yourself, not only will it all be less enjoyable (for you, and maybe for the people around you too), but your body will eventually make sure you get the rest you really need. And it probably won’t be on your terms.
5. Prioritize Self-Care
When we’ve got a lot going on, self-care tends to be lowest on our to-do list. But ultimately, it’s probably one of the most important parts of our routines and schedules.
And to be clear, when I say “self-care,” I’m not talking your weekly manicure or daily bubble bath (though they can be relaxing too). I’m talking about the ongoing practice of caring for yourself and your needs. That might include some of the “boring” stuff, like prioritizing hydration, or rest and relaxation, or it might be a little more interesting like a hobby you don’t make enough time for, or even something a little more introspective like therapy and journaling.
As much as it might feel like it, self-care isn’t a luxury. It’s an essential part of maintaining your mental, emotional, and physical health. So instead of including it when it’s convenient or you run out of things to do (probably never gonna happen, by the way), I recommend scheduling some time every day for self-care so you can prioritize it and plan around it.
6. Practice Mindfulness
When we’ve got a lot on our plates—and especially as perfectionists and people-pleasers who tend to think a lot about what’s “needed” and how others will feel—it’s easy to get lost in it all and forget to stay present.
Mindfulness practices can help you stay grounded, reducing feelings of anxiety and pressure along the way. Mindfulness is all about focusing on the present moment, which allows you to shift your attention away from external pressures and towards internal experiences. It can allow you to enjoy experiences that matter to you, rather than just going through the motions, mentally moving on to the next thing before an experience is even over.
Whether you practice focusing on your breath while doing some deep breathing, checking in with your 5 senses, or listening to a guided mindfulness meditation, just a few minutes each day can help you reduce stress and stay connected to yourself and your experiences.
7. Connect with Supportive People
Connecting with supportive people is always great, but it’s especially needed if you’re working on making some of the shifts we’re talking about here. Try to surround yourself with understanding, supportive friends or family who are more likely to respect your limits. Letting them know directly about your need for downtime and rest can help them be more mindful of your limits, validate your needs, and maybe even hold you accountable by reminding you to take care of yourself.
8. Give Yourself Permission to Rest
We get enough pressure from the world around us to always do more—you don’t need to add to it by pressuring yourself into ignoring your mind and body’s need for rest. Remember that having downtime or taking a break isn’t bad or wrong, and rest is actually a valuable part of your well-being. Despite what your perfectionism or people-pleasing tendencies tell you, your worth isn’t determined by how much you do, how many times you say “yes,” or even other people’s reactions (I know that last one’s an especially tough one!). You deserve a break, and you’re the only one who can truly give that to yourself.
9. Be Kind to Yourself
It’s easy to beat ourselves up for taking time for ourselves, especially if we feel like we’re letting someone else down. Managing the pressure to meet expectations or make others happy can be challenging, but it’s important to remember that you deserve to enjoy your summer just as much as anyone else.
And if a lot of this is new to you, remember to be patient with yourself as you start practicing these skills, notice and celebrate the wins, and look for moments or joy or peace along the way.
Struggling to Navigate Summer Burnout? Therapy for People-Pleasers in New York Can Help!
If you’re struggling with people-pleasing tendencies, anxiety, or burnout and want some more support in navigating these challenges, I’m here to help. Together, we can work to implement these strategies and more to help you find balance and fulfillment in these last few weeks of summer and beyond.