The “Good Girl” Trap: What Women Who Struggle with People-Pleasing and Perfectionism Need to Hear
Being seen as the “good” one—the one who’s nice, easy to get along with, doesn’t cause problems—can feel like you’re doing it right… kind of. But if you tune in a little more, you might also notice that you're constantly feeling anxious, tense, on edge. Maybe even exhausted, resentful, or totally burned out—whether or not you’re trying to push those feelings away as fast as they show up.
“Good girl syndrome” (as my clients and I have often called it in my work as a therapist for perfectionism) is a protective strategy that can start early in our lives. Maybe you learned that being helpful, agreeable, or responsible made things smoother—at home, at school, at work. And maybe you were praised for it. But over time, that way of being can take over. You become someone who anticipates others’ needs before your own, who feels guilty for setting boundaries, and who worries that saying "no" makes you selfish or difficult.
This is so common in women who are empathetic, conscientious, and deeply thoughtful—which are all wonderful qualities. But when they’re mixed with people-pleasing and perfectionism, they can leave you disconnected from your own needs and overwhelmed by everyone else’s. You end up doing more than your fair share at work, taking on others’ emotions in your relationships, and feeling unsure of who you are underneath it all.
And while these patterns may have protected you before, they might not be helping you now. That’s something we gently explore in perfectionism therapy—not to strip away those parts of you, but to help you reconnect with what you need, too.
As a therapist (and recovering perfectionist/people-pleaser myself), here are some things I want you to know:
1. Your worth isn’t based on how many people like you
I know this is a tough one. And if it doesn’t sink in the first, second, or tenth time—that’s okay!
It’s human to want connection, belonging, even approval—especially if you learned early on that keeping people happy kept you safe or loved. But chasing approval and acceptance often pulls you further away from yourself.
You can be liked without being valued, agreeable and still feel unseen. And the more you tap into your chameleon instincts to fit what other people want, the more disconnected you feel from who you are. When we’re caught in this cycle, it’s easy to forget to ask, “What do I value in myself?”
When you equate being well-liked with being worthy, you tend to take on more emotional labor, which can lead to exhaustion and frustration. You lose sight of the things that actually make you special—your unique qualities, your thoughts, your feelings.
You don’t have to be everything to everyone to be enough.
2. Being liked isn’t the same as being appreciated or respected
When you go out of your way to be likable—by softening your opinions, avoiding boundaries, or saying yes when you desperately want to say no—you might get short-term approval. But often, it leads to long-term resentment, disconnection, and imposter syndrome.
You might end up wondering: Do they actually like me, or do they just like that I don’t challenge them? Do they appreciate who I am—or what I do for them?
Respect and appreciation often come when you’re honest about your limits, when you take up space, and when you’re aligned with your values. Even when that means not being liked by everyone.
3. Being nice isn’t the same as being kind
“Nice” is often about avoiding discomfort—through being agreeable and often staying surface-level. “Kind” is more genuine and compassionate—in a deeper, more honest way—while honoring your needs and limits, even when it’s hard.
You might say yes to a date you’re not excited about or agree to plan an event you really don’t have the energy or time for, because you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or let them down. But when you do that, you’re often abandoning yourself—and unintentionally being unclear with the other person. Being upfront from the start (like letting that person know you don’t see a future with them, or agreeing to take on just a small part of the event planning—depending on what you genuinely have the capacity for), stops you from giving others false hope and prolonging your own discomfort.
Being kind sometimes mean disappointing someone in the short-term. But it’s clearer, more honest, and a whole lot more sustainable in the long run.
A quick note: These aren’t hard and fast rules, so use your best judgment on how to engage if a person or situation feels unsafe. Your safety is most important.
4. Wanting more doesn’t make you selfish
More rest. More ease. More money. More support. More space.
You’re allowed to want those things. And it doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you human.
If you’ve been taught that needing less makes you “better” or more lovable, it’s worth asking: Who taught you that? And who benefits when you believe it?
Often, the people who taught us those things were also taught to shrink themselves. Or, they have power and feel threatened when others have their own autonomy. But wanting more—especially when you’ve been conditioned to expect less—is a sign that you’re recognizing your worth.
5. Resting doesn’t mean you’re lazy. And it doesn’t need to be earned
If you feel guilty when you rest, you’re not alone. And it makes sense. So many of us have internalized the idea that rest has to be earned—usually through overwork, exhaustion, or perfection.
But rest is a basic human need (yes, a need, not a want). We all need it, no matter how much you’ve been able to push through—or how much you’ve seen others do the same. Rest helps us physically, mentally, and emotionally, preventing burnout, allowing for physical recovery, and giving space for creativity and compassion. But you don’t have to justify it. And shaming yourself for needing it only makes everything harder.
And yeah, sometimes other people will react when you start resting more—especially if they benefit from your productivity or feel resentful that they haven’t given themselves permission to slow down. But others might be relieved, or even inspired, by your choice to stop hustling for your worth. Either way, their reaction doesn’t determine your right to rest.
6. Doing everything “right” doesn’t mean things won’t go wrong
If you grew up feeling responsible for others’ emotions, you might have learned that if you just tried hard enough, you could prevent disappointment, conflict, or failure.
But you can do everything “right” and still have things fall apart. That’s not a reflection of your value—it’s a reality of being human.
People-pleasing and perfectionism can create the illusion of control. But in the end, they often just make you feel more anxious and more responsible—like it’s all on you, even when it isn’t.
7. You will disappoint people. And you can handle that
This might be the toughest one to sit with. But it’s also the most freeing.
No matter how hard you try, how much you give, or how small you make yourself—you will disappoint someone. You can’t prevent it entirely. And more importantly, you don’t need to.
Letting someone down doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re a person with needs, limits, and your own life. It means you’re being real instead of trying to manage everyone else’s feelings.
It’s not your job to carry all the discomfort. Speaking up, or taking care of yourself, might make someone else uncomfortable—and that’s okay. You’re allowed to take up space.
And the more you allow that reality, the more space you create—for rest, growth, and real connection.
Some Last Thoughts
Trying to please everyone usually means you’re putting yourself last, maybe losing yourself a bit (or a lot!) in the process.
The “good girl” trap keeps you stuck in a loop: the more you do, the more people expect (and the more you expect of yourself). It’ll never feel like enough.
When you over-function for others, you may be unintentionally enabling them. You’re protecting them from discomfort—but also keeping them from growing.
Rewriting the Rules
Following the “good girl” rules might feel safe, familiar, or even like the “right” thing to do. But let’s be honest—it’s exhausting. And it rarely leads to the life you actually want. It leads to burnout, resentment, disconnection, and a shaky sense of self.
Letting go of those rules doesn’t mean you stop being thoughtful or compassionate. It means you bring yourself back into the picture. It means your needs matter too. It means you start relating to others from a place of authenticity, not obligation.
This is one of the core shifts we work toward in perfectionism therapy—not by throwing everything out, but by learning how to show up with more intention, balance, and self-trust.
And yeah, it’ll probably feel uncomfortable at first. But it also opens up the possibility of feeling more grounded, more free, and more you.
You don’t just deserve to be liked—you deserve to be you.
Struggling to Speak Up? Perfectionism Therapy in New York Can Help
f expressing what you want feels uncomfortable, unfamiliar, or like too much to ask, you’re not alone. As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and therapist for perfectionism, I help anxious perfectionists begin naming their needs, practicing vulnerability, and speaking up in a way that feels true to them. In perfectionism therapy in New York, we’ll explore the patterns that have kept you quiet, untangle the fear of disappointing others, and help you build self-trust—one step at a time. You don’t have to rush the process, but you do deserve to feel more grounded, honest, and connected to your own voice.
Learn more about me and my services
You’re allowed to take up space. Therapy can support you in doing it with more clarity and confidence.
Other Therapy Services at Balanced Connections Counseling
If you’ve spent years trying to be the “good one”—the dependable, agreeable, never-too-much version of yourself—it makes sense that tuning into your own needs might feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable. That’s often where perfectionism, people-pleasing, and anxiety start to blur together. As an online therapist for perfectionism in New York, I help women untangle those deeply ingrained patterns and begin showing up more fully in their own lives. In addition to therapy for perfectionists, I also offer Therapy for Anxiety, Therapy for Burnout, and Therapy for People-Pleasing, because these challenges often go hand in hand. Therapy can be a space to explore what you want, set boundaries without guilt, and slowly unlearn the idea that your worth is tied to keeping everyone else happy.
About the Author
Adina Babad, LMHC-D, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who provides online therapy for anxious perfectionists across New York. She works with women who are thoughtful, capable, and often exhausted from trying to be everything to everyone—offering support that’s honest, compassionate, and deeply affirming. With both clinical expertise and lived experience, Adina helps clients unpack the perfectionism, people-pleasing, and pressure to be “good” that’s left them feeling disconnected from themselves. In her work, she creates space for women to unlearn the rules that no longer serve them and begin showing up in their lives with more ease, self-trust, and authenticity.