When You’re the One Who Packs the Extra Toothbrushes: Travel Anxiety, Perfectionism, and the Pressure to Take Care of Everyone
You’re packing for a trip and find yourself wondering, “Isn’t travel supposed to be fun? Why does this always feel so exhausting?” You know you’ll enjoy the trip once you get there, but it’s hard not to feel like you need a vacation from the vacation prep. All the planning, the packing, the coordinating... it often feels like that is the real work. And then when you get there, you’re still juggling everyone else’s moods—mind reading to figure out if they like what you planned, if they’re having fun, or if there’s something they need that you haven’t thought of.
If you’re like many of the people I work with as a therapist who offers perfectionism therapy —typically people who struggle with perfectionism and people-pleasing—then somewhere in your travel prep, you’ve probably felt the emotional weight of it all. You’re not just packing suitcases—you’re carrying everyone else’s expectations too. So, maybe it’s time to unpack that for a minute (pun fully intended!).
The Pressure to Take Care of Everyone: More Than Just Packing
Just so we’re on the same page – we both know this is about more than just packing, right? Okay, good, just checking 😉
So let’s be honest—this feeling probably shows up in lots of areas of your life. The pressure to take care of everyone else, the fear that if you don’t, no one will, or worse, that people will be disappointed in you. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking, “I can just do it all myself,” but is that really helping? What’s it costing you?
I’ll let you reflect on that for a second, but I want to remind you that this pressure—whether it’s about the packing or the people-pleasing—is probably taking away from your enjoyment of the trip. You might spend the entire lead-up stressing over whether you’ve thought of everything, and then, once you’re there, you’re still worried about the details. Are the toothbrushes packed? Did you plan enough fun activities? Is it going to rain on the days you wanted to be outdoors?
Anxiety, Perfectionism, and the Fear of Forgetting Something
As an anxious perfectionist, you probably carry a heavy load of expectations. You want everything to go just right, and that pressure to anticipate everything—the perfect timing, the perfect activities, the perfect experience—can quickly lead to stress. What if something doesn’t go according to plan? What if people don’t have fun? What if you forget something important?
Here’s the catch: when you try to control every detail, that perfectionism tends to make things even more stressful. You might throw yourself into packing, planning, and prepping (which can take up a lot of time and energy). Or, the opposite might happen—you procrastinate, because the weight of getting everything just right feels too heavy. But delaying it only makes you feel like you’re not doing it “right,” which fuels the guilt, shame, and even more anxiety. Eventually, you’re rushing to get things done and more likely to forget something, which just makes everything feel worse.
Letting Go of Perfectionism: Shifting Expectations
First off, I’m not actually suggesting you let go of the perfectionism altogether. I know better than to even try that 😉
But here’s the thing—perfectionism can be a strength when it’s in balance. It helps us plan, stay organized, and be thoughtful about the details that matter. When perfectionism becomes rigid and unrealistic though, it becomes a problem—especially when it gets in the way of you enjoying the process. (I talk a little more about about the difference between helpful and unhelpful perfectionism in How Perfectionism and Anxiety Lead You Straight to Burnout and Overwhelm). So, this shift is about letting go of perfectionism just enough.
Having a little flexibility in your mindset can make all the difference. It can turn what might feel like a disaster—like forgetting a toothbrush or a minor mix-up in plans—into a temporary setback instead of a major roadblock. Those little bumps in the road don’t have to ruin your trip. In fact, they can become just a small part of an overall great experience if you let them. It’s all about how you frame those moments.
In ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), we talk about something called psychological flexibility. In short, in this case it’s about acknowledging the discomfort that comes with not doing everything you possibly can and letting things be a little less than perfect, without letting that discomfort take control. You don’t have to fight or avoid those feelings—you can let them be there and still keep moving forward.
And in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), we practice reframing those rigid, perfectionistic thoughts. Instead of letting a small mistake spiral into something much bigger, we can shift our perspective. For example, instead of thinking, “It would be a disaster if we didn’t have enough toothbrushes,” try, “It’d be a bit of an inconvenience, but we’ll figure it out. It’ll be interesting to see how we handle this without freaking out.” It’s a subtle but powerful shift.
Practical Tips for Managing Travel Anxiety and Perfectionism
Delegate and ask for help
It’s okay if you don’t do it all yourself. It might not feel like it, but really, it’s okay. Whether it’s packing, planning, or just keeping track of the itinerary, letting others take responsibility can feel challenging—but it’s necessary. It might take some practice, but you can start by asking for help with one small thing, and work your way up from there.
Practice saying no
This one’s tough, I know. Saying no often feels like letting people down or falling short. But your well-being and enjoyment are important too. Saying no is a form of self-care, even though it can be hard to do at first. It’s about recognizing that saying yes to everything often means saying no to your own needs. Start small with something less emotionally loaded, and work your way up to bigger decisions.
Create a packing list for the people around you
A simple packing list that you can reuse each time can save you so much energy. And, importantly, it lets others take responsibility for their own stuff. I know it’s tempting to do it for them, but trust me—they can manage. This might feel like a manageable compromise as you’re first making these shifts—so you’re helping without doing it all.
Allow mistakes to happen
This is probably the hardest one—and I won’t sugarcoat it. It’s really tough to watch others mess up, especially when you’ve put in so much effort to make everything perfect. But here’s the thing: mistakes are an unavoidable part of life. If someone forgets something, it’s not a reflection of your worth or your abilities. Let them figure it out. Let yourself practice not over-functioning. It won’t be easy at first, but it will get easier over time.
Check in on others’ expectations
We often assume people are expecting us to do everything, and we carry that weight without checking if it’s really there. Sure, sometimes they might expect more, but often, it’s not nearly as much as we think. So, it’s worth checking in—especially if you’re feeling overwhelmed. Don’t assume that others are counting on you to carry everything, or that they even need everything to be as perfect as you think.
Focus on the experience
It’s easy to get caught up in making everything “perfect.” But when you start getting lost in the details—whether it’s the itinerary or making sure everyone’s having a great time—pause and ask yourself: Why did I plan this trip in the first place? Was it to create the most perfect vacation, or was it to relax, recharge, or spend quality time with loved ones? Keeping that bigger picture in mind can help you shift focus away from the pressure of perfection. And if you want to ditch the checklist altogether, go for it—enjoy the spontaneity!
Practice mindfulness or deep breathing
When your anxiety starts spiraling, take a moment to ground yourself. Simple mindfulness techniques and deep breathing exercises can help you stay in the present and break the cycle of anxiety. It won’t fix everything instantly, but it can help you find a little peace.
Start small
You don’t have to overhaul everything at once. Seriously. Start with the things that feel the least scary to let go of, and gradually build from there. Change doesn’t have to happen overnight, and it’s okay to take it step by step. Every little shift counts.
Letting Go of the Pressure and Embracing the Fun
I know it’s easier said than done (I’m right there with you!), but trips are about the experience, not just the outcome. You don’t have to control everything to enjoy yourself. You can still care for the people around you without micromanaging—and you know what, they’ll get to learn to take care of things too along the way (even if that change doesn’t happen overnight)!
Remember, you’re allowed to enjoy the trip without the pressure or guilt—that’s the whole point of going in the first place! You don’t need to be perfect to have a perfect time. You can enjoy the process, the moments, and the people, even if things aren’t going exactly as planned.
As you plan your next trip, reflect on this: What’s one thing you can take some pressure off of, just a little bit, so you can enjoy yourself even more?
Always the One Holding It All Together? Perfectionism Therapy in New York Can Help
If you're packing for everyone, planning for every possibility, and still wondering why you feel so tense—you’re not alone. As a therapist who works with anxious perfectionists and people-pleasers, I help clients explore what’s underneath that need to anticipate, over-function, and keep everything running smoothly. In perfectionism therapy, we look at where those patterns came from, how they’re showing up now, and what it might feel like to carry a little less—without guilt. It’s not about dropping every ball or becoming someone you’re not—it’s about giving yourself permission to breathe, let go, and enjoy the moment, even when it’s imperfect.
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You don’t have to take care of everyone to deserve rest. You’re allowed to enjoy the trip, too.
Other Therapy Services at Balanced Connections Counseling
If you’re always the one doing the prep, carrying the mental load, and making sure everyone else is okay—it makes sense that your own needs often get pushed aside. For many anxious perfectionists and people-pleasers, that habit of over-functioning can feel automatic, especially when it’s rooted in a fear of letting others down. As an online therapist for perfectionism in New York, I help women untangle the pressure to get everything “just right” and begin noticing where that pressure is no longer serving them. In addition to perfectionism therapy, I also offer Therapy for Anxiety, Therapy for Burnout, and Therapy for People-Pleasing, because these patterns often overlap and quietly reinforce each other. Therapy can be a space to let go—just a little—and make room for rest, support, and a version of you that doesn’t have to hold it all.
About the Author
Adina Babad, LMHC-D, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who provides online therapy for anxious perfectionists throughout New York. She works with women who are often the planners, the fixers, the ones others count on—and who quietly carry the pressure to hold everything together. Adina brings both clinical expertise and lived experience to her work, offering support that’s compassionate, grounded, and deeply attuned to the emotional weight of always being “the responsible one.” Through perfectionism therapy, she helps clients unlearn the belief that they have to do it all alone and begin practicing a new kind of honesty—one that includes their own needs, too.