How Anxious Perfectionists Can Start Saying What They Want—Even If It Feels Uncomfortable
When’s the last time you held yourself back from saying what you want?
That could be because you truly didn’t know what you wanted—or because it felt so uncomfortable that saying it just didn’t feel worth it. Even if not getting what you want is uncomfortable too.
If your answer is something like “within the past week” or even “within the past hour 🙈,” you’re definitely not alone. As a therapist for perfectionism who specializes in working with anxious perfectionists, a lot of my clients initially come in struggling with this too. And it’s especially common among women.
Even when we do get past the first hurdle of figuring out what we want, actually saying it out loud? That’s a whole new challenge. So, let’s talk about why this is so tough—and more importantly, what you can do to start expressing what you want (even if it still feels a little uncomfortable).
Why Is It So Hard for Anxious Perfectionists to Say What They Want?
For many anxious perfectionists, it starts with not even being sure what they want. That’s often because their attention has been focused outward—on what’s needed, what’s expected, or what others seem to want—so much so that their own wants haven’t hapd much space.
I go deeper into why “what do you want?” can feel like an impossible question in my last blog post, and share tips on how to get back in touch with what you actually want—feel free to check that out for more context.
But even once you do know what you want, saying it can still feel deeply uncomfortable. Some common reasons for that are:
Fear of burdening others or being seen as selfish
Fear of rejection or of getting it “wrong”
Worry about not fitting in or being perceived differently
Long-standing habits of people-pleasing or over-functioning
This kind of discomfort makes a lot of sense when you’ve spent years (maybe even decades) prioritizing peacekeeping, approval, or performance over authenticity.
What Happens When We Don’t Speak Up?
Sure, avoiding discomfort in the moment (by “keeping the peace,” making everyone else happy, or doing everything “right”) can feel like the easier option. But not expressing your wants comes with a cost:
Resentment: Over time, unmet needs and desires can lead to growing resentment, even in your closest relationships.
Inauthentic relationships: If others don’t know what you really want, they don’t get to know the real you. That disconnection can make your relationships feel less fulfilling. (Related read: Embracing Vulnerability: A Path to Overcoming Perfectionism and Building Deeper Connections)
Burnout: Ignoring your own needs for too long leads to overwhelm, exhaustion, and sometimes even full-on burnout. The more you say yes to what drains you, the less energy you have for what lights you up.
You deserve more than just “getting through” life. You deserve to have a voice in how it looks and feels.
How to Start Expressing What You Want (Even if it Feels Uncomfortable)
Once you’ve identified what you want (yay for growth!), the next step is practicing how to say it. Let’s break it down into some emotional and practical tools.
Emotional Tools
These are mindset shifts and emotional strategies to help support the why and how of speaking up:
Consider the trade-off – Not saying what you want might feel easier in the moment, but what’s the long-term cost? Resentment, disconnection, exhaustion?
Remind yourself that negative reactions don’t necessarily mean you’re wrong – People can have all kinds of reactions, and often those reactions say more about them than about you. It’s totally okay (and healthy!) to reflect on your part—but automatically jumping to self-blame isn’t helpful, and doesn’t usually capture the full picture. If you struggle to handle negative reactions, read my other blog post for some tips.
Remember that you’re asking, not demanding – Expressing a want doesn’t mean you’re forcing someone—it just gives others a chance to meet you halfway.
Normalize wanting things – Your needs and wants matter. And getting them met at least some of the time isn’t just okay—it’s healthy.
Trust that you can handle a “no” – Sometimes we avoid speaking up because we fear rejection. But getting a “no” isn’t a failure—it’s part of being human. And learning to tolerate that discomfort, at least occasionally, can actually help you feel more confident and resilient over time. Avoiding the ask guarantees a “no,” but expressing yourself gives you a chance at a “yes.”
Recognize that discomfort doesn’t necessarily mean danger – Just because something feels uncomfortable doesn’t automatically mean it’s wrong or bad. It might just be new. And getting used to something new can be uncomfortable at first—and that’s okay.
Practical Tools
Now for some tangible tools to work on speaking up:
Use scripts or sentence starters (see below!) – Having a starting point can make it easier to get going at first.
Practice with a therapist for perfectionism or trusted friend – Role playing or testing out how it feels to say what you want, with someone you’re comfortable with, can be a softer start.
Write it out first if you feel flustered or nervous – You can prep ahead of time, or even pause mid-conversation to write down what you want to say before coming back to it.
Pause before responding – You’re allowed to take a moment (or several) to think or prepare yourself, even if it means stepping away for a couple minutes
Use grounding tools – Like box breathing or the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, to help regulate your nervous system.
Start small – You don’t have to start with the toughest conversations. Try something low-stakes—like saying what you’re in the mood to eat—and practice with people who feel safe. You’ll build confidence as you go.
Come back to the conversation later – If you didn’t say what you want in the moment, you can come back with “Hey, I’ve been thinking about it and realized I’d actually prefer [X].”
Practice letting go of unnecessary apologies – You can absolutely be kind and compassionate without apologizing for having a want or need. Expressing yourself doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.
Simple Scripts to Get You Started
These are just starting points—you can make them yours, and say it how you’d say it:
“I’d really like ___.”
“I prefer ___, but I’m also open to ___.”
“I’m in the mood for Indian food tonight, so I’m going to order from there—but feel free to order what you’re in the mood for!”
“I’d really like to take it easy this weekend. I know you really want to go to [event], and I hope you can still go without me.”
“Scary movies give me nightmares, so I’d rather not watch that tonight. What else sounds good to you?”
“I want to rest tonight—can we talk about how we can split up the chores or adjust the timeline?”
“I’m trying to be more mindful of my energy lately. I know that might take some getting used to, and I hope you can understand.”
“That sounds fun, but I need a night to recharge. I appreciate you thinking of me—can I take a rain check?”
You’re Allowed to Want Things
If all of this still feels tough, know that that’s normal—truly! This takes time, practice, and a whole lot of self-compassion.
Saying what you want might always feel a little vulnerable—but it also gets easier the more you do it. And even better? It creates room for more authentic, energizing, and fulfilling relationships—including the one you have with yourself. This is something we work on a lot in therapy for anxious perfectionists—not just identifying what you want, but learning to believe it matters.
You deserve to be heard. You deserve to take up space. And you’re absolutely allowed to want things—even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
Therapy for Perfectionists in New York Can Help You Start Speaking Up (Even When It Feels Uncomfortable)
If expressing what you want feels unfamiliar or vulnerable, you’re not alone. As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and therapist for perfectionism, I help anxious perfectionists reconnect with their voice, navigate the discomfort of speaking up, and begin honoring their needs without guilt. In therapy for perfectionists in New York, we’ll gently explore what’s been getting in the way, practice expressing your wants in manageable ways, and build self-trust—at your pace. You don’t have to change everything overnight, but you do deserve to feel seen, heard, and more connected to what really matters to you.
Learn more about me and my services
There’s nothing wrong with wanting things. Therapy can help you feel more grounded and confident as you start naming them.
Other Therapy Services at Balanced Connections Counseling
When you’re used to prioritizing what others need or expect, it can feel unfamiliar—or even uncomfortable—to focus on what you want. That’s often where perfectionism, people-pleasing, and anxiety quietly intersect. As an online therapist for perfectionism in New York, I offer support that helps you untangle those patterns and come back to yourself. In addition to therapy for perfectionists, I also provide Therapy for Anxiety, Therapy for Burnout, and Therapy for People-Pleasing—because these struggles rarely show up in isolation. Whether you’re learning to check in with your own wants or navigating what it means to honor them out loud, therapy can be a space to explore those shifts with curiosity, compassion, and support.
About the Author
Adina Babad, LMHC-D, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor offering online therapy for anxious perfectionists throughout New York. With a warm, grounded, and collaborative approach, Adina helps women navigate the overlap between perfectionism, people-pleasing, anxiety, and burnout—supporting them in making intentional shifts toward a more balanced, authentic life. She draws from both her clinical training and lived experience to help self-aware clients move from insight to action, without the pressure to get it “perfect.” If saying what you want feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable, Adina creates a space to explore that with curiosity, clarity, and self-compassion.