Boundary Setting for Perfectionists and People-Pleasers: Handling Negative Reactions with Confidence
A note from the author: This blog post was updated in October 2025 with some new reflections and added insights.
If the word “boundaries” immediately makes your shoulders tense up, or just thinking about setting one—and anticipating a negative reaction—makes you want to shut down, run away, or apologize for even having needs (let alone wants 🫠)… keep reading. You’re absolutely not alone. But that doesn’t mean you have to give up.
I’m a therapist in New York who specializes in therapy for perfectionism and people-pleasing. So, trust me, this comes up a lot in my sessions. Sometimes, the idea of setting boundaries feels empowering and freeing. Other times, my clients want to do anything but set a boundary—especially when they’ve tried before and got hit with pushback, guilt, or disappointment instead of understanding.
When that happens, perfectionism often jumps in (“I should just figure out how to deal with it”) and people-pleasing follows pretty quickly (“I don’t want to make anyone upset”). Sound familiar?
In therapy, when we work through boundary-setting, we spend time unpacking why it feels so uncomfortable, but also how to move through it. Because setting boundaries (and actually sticking with them) is necessary for your mental and emotional well-being and for sustaining healthy, balanced relationships.
There’s a lot to say about boundaries, but since one of the biggest barriers for perfectionists and people-pleasers is the fear of negative reactions, that’s where we’ll focus in this post.
So, let’s talk about what’s really happening when people react poorly to your boundaries—and how you can handle those reactions with more confidence.
First Off—What Are Boundaries, Really?
Great question! TikTok can be a fun place to start learning about boundaries, but it tends to oversimplify (and, let’s be honest, sometimes just gets the details plain wrong). No shame if that’s been your go-to—let’s just make sure we’re on the same page 😊
What Boundaries Aren’t:
Rigid or controlling
Punishments or threats
Unspoken rules
The same for everyone
Ways to tell others what to do
Rude or cold
For example:
❌ “Never call me—you can only text.”
❌ “You hurt my feelings, so I can’t be friends with you anymore.”
❌ “You need to answer every time I call.”
What Boundaries Are:
Firm but flexible
Clear and directly communicated
Personal to you and your needs
Centered on what you will do, not what the other person must do
A way to take care of yourself
For example:
✅ “If you yell at me, I’ll walk away.”
✅ “If you keep commenting on my eating habits, I won’t come over for dinner.”
✅ “I can’t take on another project until I finish this one.”
Boundaries aren’t about control. They’re about clarity, care, and self-respect.
Understanding Negative Reactions to Boundaries
Setting boundaries is healthy and necessary for everyone. But that doesn’t mean everyone reacts well when you start doing it—especially if you haven’t before.
If someone gets upset or defensive, it’s easy to assume you did something wrong. But most of the time, their reaction says more about them than it does about you.
Of course, that doesn’t mean you never have a role to play, though (I’m all for accountability!). It’s always worth reflecting on how you communicate your boundaries—maybe your tone came across more sharply than intended, or your limits weren’t as clear or consistent as you thought. Taking accountability for your part is healthy; taking responsibility for someone else’s entire emotional reaction isn’t.
Here are some common reasons people might react negatively when you set boundaries:
It disrupts familiar patterns – Your boundary might challenge an existing dynamic that others were comfortable with. It might just feel surprising to the other person, or it could bring up something more.
Fear of change – Change can be uncomfortable, and people often worry about what will happen to the relationship (like whether you’ll still be there for them or what the relationship will look like) if things shift.
Insecurity or lack of boundaries – Some may take it personally or feel resentful or guilty that they don’t assert their own needs.
Lack of awareness – Not everyone has learned what healthy boundaries look like or why they matter.
Conflict avoidance – For people who are uncomfortable with confrontation, any boundary can feel like conflict (even if it isn’t).
Dependency – If someone relies on you (emotionally, financially, etc.), your boundary might stir up anxiety or insecurity.
Miscommunication – Sometimes the boundary is misunderstood by the other person. Or you interpret their reaction as anger when it’s really confusion.
Manipulation or guilt-tripping – Occasionally, someone’s negative reaction is an attempt to regain control or make you back down.
Keep in mind, acknowledging these dynamics doesn’t mean you’re responsible for fixing other people’s reactions.
When Negative Reactions Make You Want to Give Up
If you’ve ever set a boundary, gotten pushback, and thought, “Never mind, this isn’t worth it,” that’s totally understandable.
Many women—especially perfectionists and people-pleasers—are taught to be nice, avoid conflict, and keep everyone happy. So, when setting a boundary leads to someone being upset, it can feel like you’ve failed. And it’s natural to want to “play it safe” and back down, even though that instinct doesn’t always lead to real safety or peace.
But honestly, holding your boundaries, even when it’s uncomfortable, is what protects you from burnout and resentment, and actually strengthens relationships in the long run.
Practices to Help You Handle People’s Reactions
Here’s how to start working through your own reactions when someone else doesn’t respond well:
Reflect on what’s coming up – Journal, talk it out, or explore it in therapy. Are you feeling guilt, anxiety, shame? Naming it helps you respond intentionally instead of reactively. For perfectionists, there can be an extra layer—the urge to “get it right.” You might catch yourself trying to manage both your own discomfort and the other person’s reaction perfectly, which only adds pressure and avoidance.
Notice your “triggers” – Pay attention to the situations, people, or emotional states that make boundary-setting especially hard. You might notice patterns tied to fear of conflict, rejection, or past experiences that could use some attention.
Use grounding tools – Deep breathing, pausing before responding, or mindfulness techniques can calm your nervous system and keep you grounded.
Clarify what actually happened – Sometimes what feels like rejection is really misunderstanding. Slow down, and maybe check in where you can, before assuming.
Reframe your mindset – Boundaries aren’t punishments—they’re care. They help you preserve energy for connection, not cut it off.
Create a self-care plan – Build in practices that recharge you before or after boundary-setting (like a walk, music, meditation, calling a friend).
How Do I Know I’m Setting Boundaries Right?
Classic perfectionist question—and a good one!
It’s great that you care about communicating well. But there’s no perfect way to set a boundary, and that perfectionist pattern of getting stuck in doing it “right” might just be adding more pressure and keeping you from even trying in the first place.
Boundaries are meant to evolve, and that can include practicing, taking in feedback, and checking in with ourselves along the way.
You can check in by asking:
Am I being clear and assertive—not harsh or overly apologetic?
Am I following through consistently?
Do I need feedback from someone I trust (or maybe a role-play with my therapist) to feel more comfortable or get an outside perspective?
This kind of reflection helps you stay grounded, compassionate, and open to growth.
Strategies for Handling Negative Reactions
Now, let’s talk strategies!
Stay firm, not rigid – You can be steady in your boundary and still flexible if context, needs, or capacity change.
Be kind and firm – You can empathize (“I get why this is tough”) without abandoning your needs. Balancing empathy with assertiveness can keep you feeling both steady and kind.
Stay calm – You don’t have to be emotionless (that might actually be counter-productive), but grounding yourself helps prevent things from escalating.
Reaffirm your needs – Remind both them and yourself why this boundary matters (without over-justifying).
Expect the possibility of pushback – Not in a catastrophizing way—just realistically. Know that while many people will, not everyone will respond well to your boundaries. It’s okay to prep yourself to stay firm if needed.
Use “I” statements – It’s easy to either get into defensive mode or people-pleasing mode. Using “I” statements to communicate keeps you focused on your experience rather than blaming. (“I don’t feel comfortable when…”).
Be consistent – If you tend to backtrack, people learn that your boundaries are optional. Being generally consistent sends a message that it’s important.
Acknowledge progress – If someone respects your boundary, even partly, thanking them reinforces healthy patterns.
Reflect afterward – Notice how it felt and what worked. Sometimes, feedback or exploring your discomfort can help you adjust your approach, or even reassess how the relationship fits where you are now, while still honoring your needs.
Remember: it’s not your job to convince anyone – You don’t need permission to have limits. Boundaries are our responsibility to identify and maintain.
Practice self-compassion – It’s okay (and totally normal) to feel upset or doubt yourself. It’s also okay if it takes time (for you and others) to adjust. Boundaries take practice, and so does self-kindness.
Seek support – Talk it through with trusted friends or a therapist, especially if you’re working on people-pleasing patterns or perfectionism. Therapy for perfectionism and people-pleasing can help you build confidence and self-trust while learning to hold boundaries with less guilt.
You Deserve to Have Boundaries That Honor You
Setting and maintaining boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s self-respect.
Handling negative reactions can be hard, especially if you’re used to prioritizing everyone else’s comfort over your own. But the more you practice, the more it starts to feel empowering (and even freeing).
Boundaries help you protect your energy, strengthen your relationships, and show up in your life with more confidence and calm. And you deserve that.
Ready to Feel Confidence Around Your Boundaries? Online Therapy in New York Can Help!
If setting boundaries feels scary—or you struggle with the idea of upsetting others—you’re not alone. As a therapist in Garden City, New York specializing in perfectionism and people-pleasing, I help clients practice saying no, handling pushback, and honoring their needs without guilt.
If that resonates, let’s talk:
Schedule a free consultation with a therapist for perfectionism and people-pleasing in New York
Learn more about my approach to therapy for perfectionism and therapy for people-pleasing
You don’t have to navigate boundaries and negative reactions alone. Therapy can be a space to practice self-respect, build confidence, and get the support you deserve.
Other Services at Balanced Connection Counseling
If you’ve spent most of your life prioritizing everyone else, it can feel unfamiliar, or even uncomfortable, to make space for your own needs. That’s why I offer therapy in New York that addresses some of the other challenges that show up alongside perfectionism and people-pleasing, like anxiety and burnout. Together, we’ll explore the habits that keep you overextending yourself, learn to communicate your needs clearly, and practice holding boundaries with confidence. Therapy can be a space where you don’t have to manage it all alone, and where your needs matter, too.
About the Author
Adina Babad, LMHC is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who offers therapy for perfectionism and people-pleasing in Garden City, NY, and online throughout New York. She works with women who are used to being “the reliable one”—the ones who hold everything together, anticipate everyone’s needs, and rarely prioritize themselves. With warmth and clinical insight, Adina helps clients untangle patterns of over-responsibility, perfectionism, and people-pleasing, and teaches practical strategies for setting and maintaining boundaries with confidence. In therapy, she provides a space where you can finally stop overextending yourself, honor your needs, and practice being cared for—not just counted on.