“What Do You Want?” Why This Simple Question Can Feel So Hard for Anxious Perfectionists
If you’ve ever stopped short—or maybe deflected a little (no judgment!)—when someone asks, “What do you want?” you’re not alone.
On the surface, it sounds like a simple question. But for many anxious perfectionists, it carries a lot of weight. In my work as a therapist for perfectionism and anxiety, I’ve seen how hard this question can be—and how freeing it can be to start answering it honestly.
The thing is, learning to recognize (and actually express) what you want can make a huge difference when it comes to burnout, people-pleasing, and overall life satisfaction. Because the more we ignore our own wants and needs, the less our life ends up feeling like it fits us.
So, let’s talk about why “what do you want?” is such a tough question—and what might help you start answering it in a way that feels more aligned and less overwhelming.
Why “What Do You Want?” Feels So Difficult for Anxious Perfectionists
For anxious perfectionists, the mental default is often: What needs to be done? rather than What do I want? So, when someone asks the latter, it can feel like trying to use a muscle that hasn’t been used in a while.
You might be so focused on meeting expectations—your own, other people’s, or just the general pressure to always be productive—that you’re not used to checking in with what you actually want. The question can feel disorienting. Or even a little indulgent.
It can also feel hard to justify putting time or energy into what you want, especially when there’s always more to do. And let’s be honest—there is always more to do. That never-ending to-do list makes it easy to deprioritize the quieter, less urgent voice of your own wants.
Another layer is the habit of powering through. If you’ve been running on productivity and high-functioning anxiety for a while, slowing down enough to ask what you want might feel unnerving. It means sitting with your emotions, which can be uncomfortable. Sometimes, being busy is a way to avoid that, and gives a (typically false) sense of control.
There’s also the fear of judgment—what if what you want feels “selfish”? Or what if someone else won’t approve? For many people, this traces back to early messages they received—maybe being taught (directly or indirectly) that thinking of yourself is wrong or shameful.
And of course, there are the larger cultural influences, too. Whether it’s the pressure to be selfless that often falls on women, the complex realities people with marginalized identities face—like fears of being judged, dismissed, or not having the same space to express what they need—or just plain hustle culture, there are a lot of messages out there telling is that ignoring our needs is necessary or the “right” thing to do.
But ultimately, the reasons this question is hard are valid and personal. And at the same time, you can start to shift how you relate to that question.
How to Start Answering “What Do You Want?” (Without the Panic or Avoidance)
Whether this question makes your mind go blank or sends you into analysis paralysis, here are a few practical tools to help you start exploring your wants—with no pressure to have all the answers right away:
Ask yourself, “If no one was going to have feelings about it, what would I choose?”
This question can be surprisingly clarifying (and also totally normal if it still takes you some time to answer). And no, you don’t have to act on your answer right away—this is just about identifying what you want, separate from how others might feel or respond.
Don’t give an answer right away
If your default is to say “I don’t know” or ask someone else what they want instead, pause first. Try, “let me think about that for a few minutes” to give yourself a little time to check in with yourself.
Practice a quick check-in, using mindfulness
Before you answer—or even right after—take a moment to notice how you’re feeling, without judgment. Do you notice any emotions or physical sensations? This can help you tune into your body’s response to different options, which often gives us more clarity than leaning into logic.
Give your mind space to wander
Mind wandering allows us to tap into creativity and insight, so let your mind wander a little each day. It doesn’t have to be for very long—even starting with just 1 minute is a good exercise, if longer feels intimidating at first.
Experiment—and notice how it feels
Sometimes we don’t really know what we want until we try things out. So, let yourself test things out—without expecting everything to feel right. Maybe that means trying a slower Sunday morning at a coffee shop like The French Workshop, or ending your workday with a yoga class at Revolution Yoga. See how it feels to build a little spaciousness into your day. Then compare that to a more packed schedule and reflect on what you liked better. Testing out different activities and choices can help you learn more of what you actually like, so you can start tapping into your self-awareness in a different way.
Try journaling
Writing things down can help us sort through all the chaos in our minds. It doesn’t need to be done in a specific way—even just a simple brain dump can do the trick. Just getting your thoughts out of your head and onto paper can help you sort through your thoughts, notice patterns, and get more clarity.
Start small with expressing what you want
Once you have a better idea of what you want, the next step is expressing it. This can feel challenging, so start with the smaller, lower-pressure situations. For example, try sharing your wants with a close friend or even your therapist. The goal is to build confidence, so take it one step at a time, and remember, this is a process. I’ll dive deeper into how you can work on actually expressing what you want in a future blog, but in the meantime, you can read more about setting boundaries and handling others’ responses to them (which can bring similar discomfort) in my blog post on mastering boundary-setting.
If you want to dive a little deeper, I wrote more about the struggles of indecision (a common perfectionist pattern) in this post.
Taking Small Steps: How Therapy Helps You Tune in to What You Want
If you’re not used to spaciousness, quiet, or reflection—especially if distraction has been your go-to coping strategy—it makes sense that this work might feel a bit uncomfortable (or even overwhelming) at first. And that’s okay. You don’t have to change everything all at once. If this blog gave you plenty to work with, that’s awesome! But if it feels like this is just your starting point and you’re ready to explore more deeply, that’s where therapy can be a huge support.
Therapy for anxious perfectionists can help you start recognizing and expressing your wants in small, manageable ways—without judgment. It helps you understand, on a more personal level, why “What do you want?” feels tough, and supports you in healing the patterns that make it feel unsafe or unclear.
It also creates space to reflect on the tricky labels that might come up in your mind—like “selfish” and “selfless.” Many of us have internalized shame around being “selfish,” when in reality, taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. And being overly selfless can sometimes lead to self-abandonment. Therapy helps you find the balance.
Importantly, this work doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I don’t usually suggest that my clients dive right into huge changes (unless that feels right for them). Instead, we work up to it gradually, with small, low-stakes steps that help build confidence and self-trust along the way.
Therapy for Anxious Perfectionists in New York Can Help You Start Honoring What You Want
If the question “What do you want?” feels confusing, overwhelming, or just plain unfamiliar—you’re not alone. As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who works with anxious perfectionists, I help clients reconnect with their own voice, explore what they truly want, and start expressing it with more clarity and self-trust. In therapy for anxious perfectionists, we’ll untangle the patterns that have made it hard to prioritize yourself, challenge the guilt that shows up when you try to take up space, and build a more grounded sense of self—without the pressure to have it all figured out. You deserve to want things, to name them, and to take small steps toward the life that actually fits you.
Learn more about me and my services
You don’t have to stay stuck in overthinking or avoidance. Therapy can help you tune in to your own needs—one honest step at a time.
Other Therapy Services at Balanced Connections Counseling
When you’re used to prioritizing what others need or expect, it can feel unfamiliar—or even uncomfortable—to focus on what you want. That’s often where perfectionism, people-pleasing, and anxiety quietly intersect. As an online therapist for perfectionism in New York, I offer support that helps you untangle those patterns and come back to yourself. In addition to therapy for perfectionists, I also provide Therapy for Anxiety, Therapy for Burnout, and Therapy for People-Pleasing—because these struggles rarely show up in isolation. Whether you’re learning to check in with your own wants or navigating what it means to honor them out loud, therapy can be a space to explore those shifts with curiosity, compassion, and support.
About the Author
Adina Babad, LMHC-D, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor providing online therapy for anxious perfectionists across New York. Through her warm, direct, and deeply compassionate approach, Adina helps women untangle the pressures of perfectionism, people-pleasing, and burnout—so they can stop performing and start living in a way that actually feels like them. Drawing from both professional and personal experience and training, she specializes in helping insightful, self-aware individuals translate all that reflection into meaningful change. If the question “What do you want?” feels overwhelming or unfamiliar, Adina offers a space to explore that honestly, without judgment—and to begin answering it with more clarity and confidence.