How Perfectionism Therapy in New York Can Help You Stop Over-Apologizing (and Start Taking Up Space)
If you had a dollar for every time you said “sorry” unnecessarily—like when you didn’t actually do anything wrong—how rich would you be? Would we be talking thousands, or even millions? For so many of us, that number’s pretty high. As a therapist for perfectionism who works with perfectionists, I’ve gently called many of my clients out on their “sorry” habit—and, let’s be honest, I’ve call myself out too… more than just a time or two.
Being an anxious perfectionist can feel like you’re always on edge, trying to make sure you don’t make mistakes and don’t inconvenience anyone. And in a place like New York, where everyone seems to be rushing around, it can feel like you’re always in the way. But this pressure to do everything “right” often leads to something that many perfectionists do way too often: over-apologizing. You know the drill—saying “sorry” for things that don’t actually need an apology, like when you misspeak, or even when someone else bumps into you. It’s like apologizing for just existing!
But why do we do this? And more importantly, how can therapy for perfectionists help us break the cycle?
Why Do Perfectionists Tend to Over-Apologize?
When we apologize—whether it’s for making a mistake, asking "too many questions," or not being available for something we didn’t know about—we’re essentially apologizing for taking up space. Especially in New York, where space is limited and everyone’s on the move, it’s easy to feel like we need to shrink ourselves to fit in. But when this mindset carries over into everyday situations, it can make us apologize for things that don’t actually require an apology.
Over-apologizing is a subtle but powerful way of shrinking ourselves, and it often happens without us even realizing it. So, let’s dig into why that happens.
To start with, as anxious perfectionists, we tend to hold on to the idea that there’s a “right” way to do things. And if we do everything the “right” way, nothing bad will happen, no one will judge us, and things will go smoothly. But when things don’t go as planned, we get anxious or panic. Over-apologizing can feel like a way to regain control of the situation, even though it often doesn't actually help and can make things worse.
That being said, there are many reasons why perfectionists often find themselves apologizing more than necessary. Here are a few of the main ones:
You’re always trying to “fix” things – and apologizing can feel like a way to do that.
You’re afraid of being judged – you worry about how others perceive you. Maybe you think they’ll see you as incompetent, rude, or assume you didn’t realize you made a mistake if you don’t apologize.
You believe you’re supposed to do everything perfectly or meet impossibly high standards – so when things don’t go as planned, it feels like you owe an apology.
You believe you should anticipate others' needs or read their minds – and if you don’t, it feels like you’ve messed up.
You’re worried about letting people down – and over-apologizing is your way of managing that fear.
You try to get ahead of potential conflict – if you think someone might be upset, you apologize to smooth things over.
You’re seeking comfort or validation – you apologize to reassure yourself that you haven’t done anything wrong, that no one’s upset, and that people still like you.
You over-analyze other people’s reactions – you might assume someone’s upset, and if you’re worried about it, you feel like you have to apologize.
It’s become a habit—apologizing when someone bumps into you or you misspeak can become second nature, even when it’s unnecessary.
The Emotional Toll of Constantly Saying “Sorry”
Just like our thoughts and feelings can guide our actions, the reverse is true too—the more we act a certain way, the more we start to believe it. When you over-apologize, it feeds into the belief that you don’t deserve to take up space, and that being imperfect means you’re an inconvenience to others.
Plus, every unnecessary “sorry” comes with a whole lot of scanning—constantly paying attention to everything you’re doing and how others might perceive you. It’s like you’re running an internal self-check all the time, and that’s exhausting.
Over-apologizing can also reinforce feelings of guilt. You begin to feel like you’re constantly in the wrong, even when you haven’t done anything to apologize for. And this guilt tends to build up over time, making you feel bad about yourself and your actions, even if you didn’t actually harm anyone.
This pattern is especially common among perfectionists who tie their worth to how well they perform. As a result, over-apologizing often contributes to burnout. It’s draining to constantly be on high alert, trying to “fix” everything, and feeling like you owe apologies for things that aren’t even wrong.
The Impact of Over-Apologizing on Relationships
Over-apologizing doesn’t just chip away at your own confidence—it can also affect how others see you. Saying “sorry” too much implies that you’re always doing something wrong, and when that happens, people might start to doubt your competence—even if everything you’re doing is perfectly fine!
For example, if you apologize constantly at work, a boss might start questioning whether you really know what you’re doing, even if your work is excellent. And in personal relationships, constantly apologizing might create an imbalance. You’re always saying “sorry” for your mistakes, but others might not be doing the same. Eventually, this can lead to feeling resentment.
It’s also worth noting that over-apologizing can diminish the impact of real, sincere apologies. When you apologize too often, the word starts to lose its meaning. There’s a difference, though, between using “sorry” to show genuine empathy—like saying, “I’m sorry to hear you’ve been dealing with so much”—and offering apologies for perfectly normal, everyday actions, like, “Sorry I took up so much of your time.” The first shows care and understanding, while the second can start to feel like you’re apologizing just for existing or taking up space.
Over-apologizing might also overlap with loose boundaries. If you apologize too much for taking up space, you might find it harder to set and maintain boundaries with others, or even with yourself. For example, apologizing for setting a boundary can weaken that boundary, making it easier for others to dismiss. You can still be kind and empathetic while staying firm—try alternatives like, “I appreciate you understanding,” or “I know this might take some getting used to.”
So… When is Apologizing Actually Helpful?
Apologizing when you’ve hurt someone, even unintentionally, is always a good move. But apologizing for small mistakes that can easily be fixed or don’t have much of an impact, or things that aren’t your fault? That can feel unnecessary and exhausting.
The tricky thing about over-apologizing is that there’s no clear rule for how many “sorry”s are too many. Sorry, perfectionists—this one doesn’t come with a set of hard and fast rules. It’s more about learning to trust your instincts and understanding the reasons behind your apology. You can start reflecting by asking yourself:
Are you apologizing because you genuinely think you hurt someone?
Are you apologizing to manage how others perceive you, even when nothing’s wrong?
Are you just apologizing out of habit?
How Can Therapy Help Me Stop Over-Apologizing?
Therapy Helps You Understand Why You Over-Apologize
A therapist will help you dig into what I described above, but with a focus on your life. For example, a therapist using a psychodynamic approach might help you connect the dots between past experiences—like a caregiver who expected a lot from you, or bosses who left you feeling less-than—and your current habit of over-apologizing. Those experiences—especially from childhood—shape how we interact with the world and see ourselves. By understanding these past experiences and shifting your perspective in therapy for perfectionists, you can start to show up in a way that feels more authentic and confident.
A therapist for perfectionism might also help you notice societal influences. For instance, women are often socialized to make ourselves small or are criticized for being "too much" or even “bitchy” when we try to advocate for ourselves. Similarly, people from marginalized groups often feel pressured to avoid conflict, for many reasons. A therapist helps you see these influences and how they may have played a role in your patterns, so you can start to break free from them.
Therapy Helps You Manage Thoughts That Lead to Over-Apologizing
In therapy, CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) helps you recognize and challenge those unhelpful thought patterns that drive you to apologize all the time. You’ll learn how to spot biases in your thinking, figure out which ones are helpful (hint: most aren’t), and understand how they affect your feelings and actions. Over time, you’ll practice shifting your thoughts so you can change how you approach situations and stop apologizing for things that don’t need an apology.
If your therapist uses ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), they’ll guide you to accept your thoughts without letting them control you. You’ll learn to observe your thoughts, without judgment, and create some space between what you're thinking and how you act. Both approaches help you create a healthier relationship with your thoughts and stop letting them take over.
Therapy Helps You Get Comfortable with Uncertainty and Discomfort
Uncertainty and discomfort are… uncomfortable. So, it’s natural that you’d want to avoid them. But the more you avoid them, the bigger they can feel. A therapist can guide you to notice how you feel in the present moment—without judgment. Mindfulness can help you stay grounded, even when you’re navigating the fast-paced energy of New York or just dealing with life’s daily challenges. It helps reduce the urge to apologize when you’re uncertain or uncomfortable. You’ll learn to pause, gather your thoughts, and respond more intentionally, instead of letting your anxiety take over.
Therapy also helps you build resilience, so those uncomfortable feelings won’t have as much power over you. The goal is to stop avoiding discomfort and instead feel more capable of handling it when it comes up.
Therapy Helps You Practice Self-Compassion and Kindness Towards Yourself
Constantly beating yourself up for mistakes—especially small ones—wears you down. Therapy helps you shift from being your harshest critic to treating yourself with kindness. Instead of acting like a drill sergeant, therapy focuses on helping you practice self-compassion, so you can be gentler with yourself. It’s about recognizing that mistakes are part of being human, not a reason to punish yourself.
Learning to be kinder to yourself is an important part of breaking the cycle of over-apologizing. And it’s not about letting yourself off the hook—it’s about accepting that you’re allowed to make mistakes and still be worthy of love and respect.
Therapy Helps You Build Confidence in Speaking Up Without Over-Apologizing
In therapy, you’ll start practicing speaking up without apologizing for things that don’t require an apology. You might start small—like not apologizing when you ask for help—and gradually build up to bigger things, like standing firm in your decisions at work or setting boundaries without feeling so guilty.
Therapy also teaches you calming techniques and grounding exercises to manage the anxiety that comes up when you stop apologizing so much. It’s all about building confidence and showing yourself that you can handle it when you speak up for yourself.
Therapy Helps You Recognize Your Wins and Keep Moving Forward
A therapist is there to support you, cheer you on, and help you see your progress. Sometimes, we’re so close to our struggles that we don’t notice the small wins along the way. A therapist helps you see what’s working, even when it doesn’t feel like much. They’ll help you stay accountable while also making sure you’re giving yourself credit for the progress you’ve made—no matter how small it might seem.
Therapists help you recognize these wins, validate your feelings and help you learn to validate yourself too, and keep you moving toward your goal of speaking up for yourself without all the unnecessary apologies.
How Can I Start Taking Up Space?
Practice alternatives to “sorry” – like saying “thanks for catching that” or “I appreciate the feedback” when someone corrects you.
Reframe mistakes – reframe them as opportunities to learn and grow, rather than as evidence that you’re “wrong” or “incompetent.”
Try journaling – consider keeping a journal where you can notice patterns in when and why you apologize.
Practice holding back from apologizing in situations where it’s unnecessary – like when someone bumps into you or when you didn’t read someone’s mind.
Let yourself have needs and take breaks (bonus points if you don’t apologize for “the inconvenience”) – like excusing yourself from a conversation to use the bathroom instead of holding it in after that second cup of coffee, or leaving a social event early to get some much-needed sleep instead of powering through.
Start setting boundaries – even small ones, like not checking work emails after hours, can help you practice taking up space. You can read more about navigating boundary-setting in another blog I wrote, Mastering Boundary Setting: Handling Negative Reactions with Confidence and Grace.
Practice self-compassion – be patient and kind with yourself as you work on shifting your habits. Remind yourself that you deserve to take up space and make mistakes.
Letting Go of the Need to Over-Apologize
As you start trying to understand your habit of over-apologizing, show yourself some compassion. It might be tough—but also enlightening—noticing how these patterns have shown up throughout your life, noticing themes and core beliefs, and then really doing the work to change them. That’s why I often recommend working with a therapist on this, since they can help gently guide and remind you along the way.
You deserve to take up space. And you don’t have to do it alone.
Tired of Shrinking Yourself? Therapy for Perfectionists in New York Can Help.
If you’re constantly saying “sorry” for things that aren’t actually wrong, you’re not alone. As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and therapist for perfectionism , I help anxious perfectionists untangle the pressure to be perfect, let go of unnecessary guilt, and learn how to take up space—without apologizing for it. In online therapy for perfectionists, we’ll explore where those habits come from, gently challenge the need to shrink yourself, and build confidence in how you show up in your life, work, and relationships. You deserve to take up space—and feel good doing it.
Learn more about me and my services
You don’t need to apologize for being human. Therapy can help you feel more grounded, more confident, and more like yourself. Let’s talk.
Other Therapy Services at Balanced Connections Counseling
When perfectionism is in the driver’s seat, even kind feedback can feel like criticism—and mistakes can feel like proof you’re falling short. If you’re caught in the loop of over-apologizing, people-pleasing, or tying your worth to how well you perform, you’re not alone. As an online therapist for perfectionism in New York, I offer support that goes beyond just one pattern. In addition to therapy for perfectionists, I also offer Therapy for Anxiety, Therapy for Burnout, and Therapy for People-Pleasing, so we can address the deeper layers that keep you stuck. If you’re ready to stop shrinking yourself and start showing up with more ease and self-trust, therapy can be a space to make those shifts—at your own pace, and with support.