Why “I’m Fine” Feels Safer Than Being Honest (Especially for Anxious Perfectionists and People-Pleasers)
You’re sitting at your desk, frantically running through your endless mental to-do list. You know there’s not enough time for it all, but you’re still telling yourself you have to make it work. You committed to it. You just need to push a little harder. Do a little more.
A coworker walks by and asks how you’re doing. Maybe for a split second you think about bring honest… but then you shake your head internally. Nope, not going there. So instead, you smile and say:
“I’m fine.”
Or maybe it sounds more like:
“I’m good.”
“Yeah, I’m doing well.”
“It’s all under control.”
“This week’s been a lot, but I’ll get through it!”
Different versions of the same thing—reflexive responses you might use every day. And not necessarily because you’re trying to hide anything, but because it’s just… automatic.
As a therapist who works with anxious perfectionists and people-pleasers, this pattern comes up all the time. Sometimes clients are completely open behind closed doors, or with certain people, but still feel the need to put on a brave face publicly. Others share a little—just enough to let something out—but still end up minimizing how heavy things really feel.
In perfectionism therapy, that might look like finally opening up, feeling relieved that you can let it out—or it might look like continuing to downplay your own experience even while doing the “work.” Both are totally normal responses. And both are totally understandable.
If you're used to being someone who “has it all together,” showing anything else might not feel like an option. But here’s the thing: there is another option—it just takes some work to get there. And pretending you’re fine when you’re not comes at a cost.
The Hidden Struggles of Anxious Perfectionists and People-Pleasers
While people-pleasers and anxious perfectionists may look like they’re handling things on the outside, inside things are often building up. The “I’m fine” script becomes a default, something you tell others—maybe even something you start telling yourself.
Sometimes it even feels true… sort of. You’ve got it under control. You’re functioning. You’re showing up. So that means you’re fine, right? Or that you should be fine because technically things are sort of working?
Except maybe you’re also feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, anxious, disconnected, burned out—or all the above .
Perfectionism often convinces you that you’re supposed to be fine. That having high standards means you don’t get to fall apart. You have to keep going. You have to hold it together, because if you don’t, something will fall through the cracks.
Anxiety piles on top, feeding a constant inner dialogue of “What if I let someone down?” or “What if I’m not doing enough?”
People-pleasing adds another layer—focusing your energy on keeping others happy, avoiding conflict, or not taking up too much space.
You might find yourself:
Convincing yourself (and others) that you’re okay, because everything’s technically under control
Feeling like you should be able to handle it, so admitting you’re not feels like failure
Telling yourself that things will get easier after you finish this project, or get through this week—but the finish line keeps moving
Pushing through discomfort to meet others’ needs, while neglecting your own
In this cycle, being “fine” becomes a performance. But underneath, it’s lonely, exhausting, and often unsustainable.
Why Is It So Hard to Just Say How I Really Feel?
On the surface, being honest about your feelings seems simple, right? But simple isn’t the same as easy.
Saying “I’m fine” becomes a protective mechanism. It’s like armor—meant to keep you safe from judgment, rejection, conflict, or discomfort. And when that armor has been protecting you for years, it can feel risky—even dangerous—to let it go.
Maybe you’ve noticed that you’re more open with certain people than others. You might wonder why the vulnerability doesn’t transfer from one space to another. But it’s not always black and white. You might feel safe being honest in one moment, then not in another.
Let’s talk about the deeper roots of this pattern—the parts that make total sense even if they’re not helping anymore.
Childhood Patterns, Social Conditioning, and Cultural Expectations
If you grew up in a family where you had to be the one who kept it together, this “I’m fine” pattern probably started early. Maybe you got the message—either directly or indirectly—that your emotions were too much, or that your needs were inconvenient. That kind of environment teaches you to keep things in, minimize, and cope quietly.
A lot of kids internalize the idea that needing help, being sad, or even just having strong feelings is somehow a burden. And that doesn’t just go away when we grow up.
Even outside our families, we take in messages from the culture around us. Like the idea that needing support makes you weak. That asking for help is selfish. That it’s better to just smile, say you’re okay, and power through.
While men definitely face pressures to hold it together emotionally, the social conditioning around women—especially those who are sensitive, nurturing, or highly self-aware—is especially focused on self-sacrifice. You’re expected to care for everyone else, often at the expense of your own needs.
The result? Saying “I’m fine” becomes a survival strategy. It helps avoid attention you didn’t want, keeps things smooth, keeps others from feeling uncomfortable—and feels like it keeps you safe.
Fear of Rejection, Being Seen as Weak or Imperfect, or Disappointing Others
When you're an anxious perfectionist, there’s often a core belief that you need to be capable at all times. That you need to do it right, handle everything well, and not inconvenience anyone with your messiness (or in other words, your humanness).
Vulnerability, on the other hand, can feel like failure. Being open about your struggles might bring up fears like:
They’ll think I can’t handle things.
They won’t trust me with responsibility again.
They’ll think I’m dramatic or too emotional.
They’ll see I’m not as capable or put-together as I seem.
The perfectionist part of you might believe that sharing how you really feel means you’ve messed up. That not being “fine” all the time means you’re not good enough.
The people-pleasing part might worry even more about the impact on others. You might fear disappointing people, being rejected, or being seen as “too much.” And those fears often go way back—deep into those early experiences where acceptance felt conditional or where you learned that being “easy” was the way to keep people close.
The Weight of Others’ Needs
When you’re constantly tuned into how everyone else is doing, it can start to feel like there’s no room for your own emotions. If people around you seem to need a lot—emotionally, physically, logistically—you may start to believe that you don’t get to need anything. That there’s just no space for it.
Even if the people around you would be open to hearing what’s really going on, your brain might tell you it’s better not to go there. Not because they won’t care—but because you’ve trained yourself to deprioritize your own experience.
There’s often an unconscious cycle at play here:
Someone else is struggling → you jump in to help
You say “I’m fine,” even when you’re not → they don’t realize you’re struggling → they don’t step in → you keep helping
Rinse and repeat
It can even enable a dynamic where you’re unintentionally doing more than your share, while others don’t grow or step up. This leaves you stuck in the caregiver role—and reinforces the idea that you have to be “fine” so that everyone else can be okay.
On the other side, there might be situations where you truly do have responsibilities that can’t be delegated. You might be a parent, a manager, or a caregiver yourself. In those cases, “I’m fine” might feel like the only option, because there’s simply no one else to carry the load. But honestly? “I’m fine” doesn’t actually make that all go away. And it doesn’t give you a chance to see how others might be able to support you (even emotional support counts).
It Seems Easier to Avoid Than Confront
Sometimes, honestly, it just feels easier to avoid it all. Saying “I’m fine” lets you delay the hard stuff. It helps you keep going without stopping to feel the weight of it all.
Opening up—even just to yourself—can feel heavy. Exhausting. Overwhelming. Sometimes it’s less scary to stay busy and distracted, and just repeat the script: I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine.
And when you do consider saying something more vulnerable, your brain might go into overdrive:
Should I say something?
Will it make it worse?
What will they think?
What if it doesn’t help anyway?
That overthinking can spiral into analysis paralysis. So instead of taking the emotional risk, you default to “I’m fine.” And in the short term, maybe that does feel easier.
But over time, that avoidance takes a toll.
What “I’m Fine” Costs Emotionally
On the surface, “I’m fine” seems harmless. It’s the expected answer. It keeps the peace. It doesn’t make things awkward.
But there’s a hidden cost. Like armor, which keeps out the bad stuff, it can also keep out the good.
Emotional disconnection
When you hold everything in, people don’t really know you. They can’t support you, because they don’t see you. And even when you’re surrounded by people, that disconnect can feel isolating.
Unmet needs
By not expressing what’s going on internally, you end up reinforcing the belief that your feelings don’t matter—or that you’re not allowed to have needs at all. And the more you keep quiet, the stronger more that belief gets.
Mental and physical burnout
Pushing through without breaks, support, or release takes a toll. That constant emotional labor shows up as fatigue, tension, irritability, chronic stress, and burnout.
Professional consequences
In work settings, saying “I’m fine” can prevent you from delegating or asking for help, setting boundaries, or saying no. Over time, this can lead to resentment, over-responsibility, and burnout that bleeds into every other area of your life.
When “I’m fine” becomes the norm, it prevents deeper connection—with others and with yourself. It keeps the mask on, when what you might really need is to take a breath, take the mask off, and say: “Actually, I’m not okay.”
When You Know Better But Still Can’t Speak Up
So maybe you’re already very aware that this “I’m fine” thing isn’t really working for you. You know it’s keeping you stuck. You’ve probably even had those moments where you think, “I wish I could just say how I actually feel.”
But when the moment comes? You still can’t quite do it.
If that’s you, you’re not alone—and you’re definitely not doing anything wrong.
Awareness is a really important step… but it’s not the whole process. Change, especially with long-held emotional habits, doesn’t happen just because you “know better.” It happens when you feel safe enough, supported enough, and resourced enough to try something different.
You might test the waters by saying something vulnerable—but then instantly follow it with,
“But I’ll be fine!”
“It’s not that bad though.”
“I’m just being dramatic.”
And that’s not necessarily failure! That’s you practicing. That’s you trying to rewire a pattern that’s been reinforced for years.
And like I said earlier, avoiding your needs may feel more familiar than confronting them. Choosing to do the harder thing—opening up, letting yourself be seen—takes work. But you’re already doing the work just by noticing the pattern and thinking about shifting it.
Perfectionism and people-pleasing often come with a big dose of fear. Even if the people in your life are supportive, that fear of being judged, misunderstood, or seen as “too much” can override your logical brain. It can take over and convince you that saying something honest will somehow make everything worse.
And for some people, it’s not just fear—it’s lived experience. Maybe you’ve tried being vulnerable with someone who wasn’t safe. Someone who dismissed your feelings, shamed you, or made you regret opening up. If you’ve had that kind of experience, of course it makes sense that “I’m fine” feels safer now.
In that case, the work isn’t about opening up to everyone—it’s about finding the right people. Whether that’s a new friend, a trusted loved one, or a therapist, the goal is to start somewhere that feels a little safer. It doesn’t have to be perfect, or done all at once.
And if you’ve generalized that “I’m fine” mask to everyone in your life, it might help to pause and ask: Is there anyone I could try being just a little more open with?
How Can I Start Saying How I Really Feel, Without Feeling Like It’s Too Much
Honestly, you don’t have to jump all in right away. You don’t need to walk into work tomorrow and trauma-dump on your coworkers (please don’t). You don’t have to go from “I’m fine” to spilling your whole life story in one go.
This is about building capacity, not perfection. It’s about taking small, intentional steps toward being more honest—while still protecting your energy and honoring your boundaries.
Here’s what that could look like:
Start small. You don’t have to tell everyone how you feel. Choose one person you feel relatively safe with. Let yourself be just slightly more honest than you usually are. That’s it.
Go at your own pace. There’s no deadline for emotional growth. If it feels too scary to be open in the moment, that’s okay. You might process your feelings after the fact—through journaling, texting a friend later, or talking it through in therapy.
Try swapping out “I’m fine” for something just a little more honest:
If you’re just dipping your toes in:
“I’ve been better.”
“I’m feeling a little off today.”
“It’s been kind of a lot lately, but I’m getting through it.” (Yes, there’s still a little minimizing here—but it’s progress from full-on shutdown.)
If you’re feeling bolder, or with someone you trust:
“Honestly? I’m pretty overwhelmed.”
“I’m trying to keep it together, but it’s been rough.”
“I could really use a minute to just breathe.”
“It’s been a heavy week. Do you have space to talk?”
These small shifts are powerful. Not just for how others see you—but for how you start to relate to your emotions and needs.
You Deserve to Be Seen. But You Can Take Your Time Getting There
“I’m fine” might feel safer than being honest. And in some ways, it is—at least in the short term. But over time, the emotional cost builds up, and that safety starts to feel more like a cage.
You deserve to be more than just fine. You deserve to feel supported, cared for, and connected—not just to others, but to yourself.
The process of loosening the grip on “I’m fine” is slow, and that’s okay. You don’t need to be perfect at it. You don’t need to do it all at once. Even a small moment of honesty is a big step.
And if it feels hard, or scary, or you’re not sure where to start—that’s not a reason to stop. It’s a sign that this work matters. And that you matter, too.
You don’t have to carry it all alone.
Still Saying “I’m Fine” When You’re Anything But? Perfectionism Therapy in New York Can Help
If being honest about how you feel still feels too risky, too vulnerable, or just too unfamiliar—you’re not the only one. As a therapist who works with anxious perfectionists and people-pleasers, I support clients in gently exploring what’s underneath the “I’m fine” script. In perfectionism therapy, we’ll untangle the old fears, expectations, and patterns that taught you to minimize your experience—and begin building a new relationship with your emotions, one that feels safer, steadier, and more honest. It’s not about oversharing or pushing yourself before you’re ready—it’s about making room for your truth, even in small ways.
Learn more about me and my services
You don’t have to prove that you’re fine. You’re allowed to let someone in.
Other Therapy Services at Balanced Connections Counseling
If “I’m fine” has become your default—even when you’re overwhelmed, anxious, or stretched thin—you’re not alone. For many anxious perfectionists and people-pleasers, that reflex to minimize runs deep. As an online therapist for perfectionism in New York, I support women in gently unraveling those patterns and creating space for their full emotional experience. Alongside perfectionism therapy, I also offer Therapy for Anxiety, Therapy for Burnout, and Therapy for People-Pleasing—because these struggles often overlap and reinforce each other. Therapy can be a space to soften the pressure, reconnect with your own needs, and practice being honest—even when it feels like “too much.”
About the Author
Adina Babad, LMHC-D, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who offers online therapy for anxious perfectionists across New York. She works with women who seem like they’ve got it all together on the outside, but inside feel overwhelmed, stuck in people-pleasing, or afraid to be honest about how much they’re holding. Adina brings both clinical expertise and a deep understanding of what it’s like to carry the weight of “I’m fine,” even when you’re anything but. In her work, she creates a space where women can gently question old rules, reconnect with what they really feel, and learn to speak up—without shame or apology.