How Perfectionism and People-Pleasing Keep You Stuck in Relationships (and How Therapy Can Help)
If you expect the most from yourself—and letting someone down feels like the absolute worst—it’s easy to get in a cycle that’s hard to break. If having needs (or *gasp* wants?!) feels like an inconvenience... that’s more common than you might think. And maybe it feels like perfectionism and people-pleasing are just how you’re supposed to show up in relationships. That’s just your role. You probably notice these patterns, but haven’t really stopped to question them.
Whether you have some great relationships in your life but still find yourself feeling stuck, or a lot of your relationships are a struggle, it’s understandable. Perfectionism and people-pleasing can feel helpful—even necessary—but they also tend to keep you in the same loops, especially in relationships (romantic, personal, or professional).
I’m a therapist for perfectionism who specializes in perfectionism and people-pleasing, and this is something I work on with clients all the time. So, let’s talk about how these patterns can quietly (or loudly) keep you stuck in relationships, and how perfectionism therapy can help you move through that and build connections that feel more real, more mutual, and more joyful.
These Patterns Are About Survival, Not Personality
Let’s pause for a second and talk about what perfectionism and people-pleasing actually are.
On the surface, they might look like high standards, being dependable, being nice or caring. But underneath, these patterns are about survival and safety. They’re ways of trying to control how others see you—because if they see you as good, helpful, competent, low-maintenance, then maybe you’ll stay safe, loved, accepted.
This isn’t about judgment. And it definitely doesn’t mean you’re not genuinely kind or capable—those qualities are real parts of who you are. But perfectionism and people-pleasing are separate patterns you learned along the way—they’re survival strategies, not core parts of you.
Many of us grew up learning that being easygoing, helpful, or high-achieving was the way to get needs met—or avoid rejection or conflict. These patterns can give us a sense of control, even when they’re exhausting.
I want to be really clear:
You can be kind without being the “nice girl.”
You can have high standards and still allow for human mistakes.
You can be generous and have boundaries.
You can care deeply and still say no, or take a break without guilt.
How Do Perfectionism and People-Pleasing Affect Relationships?
When You Don’t Speak Up About Your Needs or Wants
If it feels like having needs makes you “too much” or risks pushing people away, you probably keep a lot inside. Maybe you hint or hope others just get it, but rarely say what you really want. Maybe you downplay your needs, take on too much, and become the go-to person, while quietly feeling resentment or loneliness.
Over time, this can lead to burnout and feeling like love is conditional—like you're only worthy when you're useful or agreeable.
When You Avoid Conflict
Conflict can feel threatening—like it risks the whole relationship. So, you avoid it. Maybe you shut down, appease the other person, or tell yourself it’s not a big deal.
But avoiding conflict doesn’t actually lead to peace. It leads to disconnection. Without working through things, you stay stuck in the same dynamic. And you never really feel heard or fully understood.
When You Believe Change Isn’t Possible
If you’ve been stuck in these patterns for a while, it can start to feel like this is just how things are. Maybe you believe others will leave if you start speaking up, your needs won’t be met anyway, or you don’t deserve more. Or, you just don’t know how else relationships can look.
That hopelessness can keep you stuck in relationships that feel okay on the surface, but unfulfilling underneath.
When You’re Focused More on Being Perceived as “Good” Than on Feeling Seen
When your energy goes toward making sure people think highly of you, it’s hard to stay connected to how you actually feel. You might be seen as agreeable, competent, helpful, but not necessarily known.
You end up holding back the parts of you that feel messy, complicated, or unsure—the very parts that make real connection possible. And without letting yourself be seen in the way, you miss out on the kind of closeness where you can feel loved for who you actually are.
When You Stay in Relationships That Aren’t Right for You
Maybe you’re used to being the “nice one,” the one who keeps the peace, avoids upsetting anyone, and makes sure not to take up too much space (or worse—be selfish 😱). Or maybe the idea of starting over feels overwhelming. You wonder if it’s even worth it, if you’ll find someone who really gets you, or if you’re just being too picky for wanting more.
So, you tell yourself: Maybe if I just give a little more—be a little better—it’ll finally feel right.
And so, you stay. Even if the relationship feels one-sided. Even if you’re doing most of the emotional labor, taking on all the responsibilities, or enabling the other person to do less (like handling everything around the house, or always being their support system without getting much back). Even if it quietly wears you down.
If any of this feels familiar, there’s nothing wrong with you. These patterns were probably protective, even adaptive, at some point. But now they might be holding you back from the kind of connection you really want (and deserve).
How PerfectionismTherapy Helps
These patterns are deeply ingrained, so they probably won’t completely change overnight. But changing them is possible—sometimes through small, subtle shifts that build over time, and other times through bigger changes that come all at once. Either way, you don’t have to do it alone. Therapy can help you untangle these patterns with compassion and care.
Here’s how perfectionism therapy can support you in making real, sustainable shifts in your relationships:
You have a space that’s just focused on you. Perfectionism therapy is a place to say what you actually think and feel, explore your needs, and practice vulnerability—without having to worry about being “too much” or managing someone else’s reactions.
You’ll start connecting the dots. Even if you’re already pretty insightful, therapy can help you understand where these patterns came from and why they’ve stuck around. That awareness is the foundation for long-term, meaningful change.
You’ll learn how to express your needs and wants. Whether it’s identifying them in the first place, figuring out how to express yourself, or practicing saying them out loud, therapy helps build that muscle in a safe, non-judgmental space.
You’ll build skills for boundary-setting and emotion regulation. Setting a boundary or asking for something you need can bring up a lot of emotion—especially if you’re used to avoiding conflict or keeping the peace. Therapy helps you learn how to manage that discomfort without shutting down or giving in.
Getting Unstuck
It’s never too late to change how you show up in relationships. Just because you’ve been stuck doesn’t mean you have to stay stuck
If your relationships feel fine, or “good enough,” but deep down you want more—more depth, more connection, more ease—perfectionism therapy can help you get there.
You can learn to focus on how your relationships feel, not just how they look. And you can do it at your own pace—bit by bit, or in bigger shifts—whatever feels right for you.
You don’t have to keep yourself small in order to belong. You’re allowed to take up space, and therapy is here to help you figure out what that actually looks like in your life and relationships. It’s here to give you a place to work through everything that brings up, without pressure or expectations.
Is Perfectionism Therapy in Garden City, New York the First Step to Healthier Relationships?
If reaching out for therapy stirs up thoughts like “What if I ask for too much?” or “What if I can’t explain myself perfectly?”—you’re not the only one. From my Garden City–based practice, I work with perfectionists and people-pleasers who often hesitate to make that first move, worried it will come off as needy, selfish, or somehow wrong. In perfectionism therapy, we shift away from proving your worth or avoiding conflict and instead focus on curiosity, clarity, and what you actually need in relationships. You don’t need the perfect words or polished story to begin. You just need to bring yourself.
Learn more about how I support anxious perfectionists like you
Start imagining what it might feel like to be in relationships where your needs and voice actually matter.
Other Therapy Services at Balanced Connection Counseling
If you’ve noticed that perfectionism isn’t the only thing shaping your relationships, you’re not alone. Patterns like anxiety, people-pleasing, and burnout often weave together, leaving you feeling stuck in the same cycles—even when your relationships look “fine” on the surface. That’s why I offer perfectionism therapy in Garden City, New York, along with support for the patterns that make it hard to speak up, set boundaries, or feel fully seen. If you’ve been wondering what it might be like to have a space where your needs and feelings actually get to take up room, therapy can be that place to start.
About the Author
Adina Babad, LMHC-D, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who offers online therapy for perfectionism and anxiety throughout New York. She works with women who find themselves stuck in patterns of people-pleasing and perfectionism—keeping relationships steady on the surface, while quietly feeling disconnected, unseen, or weighed down underneath. With compassion and clinical grounding, Adina helps clients untangle these habits, making room for connection that feels mutual, authentic, and supportive. In perfectionism therapy, she reminds you that you don’t have to stay stuck in “good enough” relationships—you deserve support, growth, and deeper connection now.