When Being “The Reliable One” Keeps Women from Feeling Supported
You’re always there for the people around you, and everyone knows they can count on you. You show up for every birthday, milestone, or when someone’s struggling. You keep your commitments, no matter what. Your boss can rely on you to get things done—and do it well. You take pride in being consistent and never letting anyone down. But somewhere in all that, you might forget to be there for yourself—to ask for support, to prioritize your needs when you're not feeling your best.
Through therapy for perfectionism in Garden City & throughout New York, I often see how this pattern develops over time. I’m a therapist for perfectionism who specializes in helping women with perfectionism and people-pleasing, and this dynamic comes up a lot—especially in high-functioning women who feel safest when they’re in control, helpful, and “on top of it all.”. The “reliable one” role can be both a gift and a curse. I help my clients sort through how it shows up in their lives, why they get stuck in it, and how to move forward in a way that honors the value of being reliable—without sacrificing other needs like getting rest or feeling supported.
So, let’s dive into how this shows up in our identities, what it costs us, why it’s so hard to ask for help, and a few ways to start shifting things.
When Being “The Reliable One” Is Your Identity
So, what does it mean to be “the reliable one”?
In our culture, women are often socialized to be the caretakers—the ones who put their needs aside to take care of others, the ones who organize everything, who make sure things don’t fall apart. So, many of us end up in the “reliable one” role in our families, friendships, relationships, and even at work.
This isn’t just about being helpful—it’s about being needed. It’s about holding everything together. Letting go of that role can feel like letting go of your identity. The challenge is figuring out who you are underneath all that, and rethinking what your identity can look like when it’s not just based on reliability.
What Being “The Reliable One” Really Costs You
If you’ve been in this role for a long time, over-functioning or constantly being reliable can become a perfectionist coping strategy—an attempt to calm your nervous system. There’s comfort in doing what you know, in making sure the people around you are happy, and in creating stability for yourself and others. And that makes total sense when it’s kept things safe for you in the past. But over time, this way of handling things can stop working. Every time you overextend yourself or people-please, you reinforce the idea that the only way to feel safe is by being the "reliable one"—and that just keeps you stuck in a cycle that doesn’t serve you anymore.
Here are some of the costs of making reliability your identity:
Burnout – Constantly taking on more, while ignoring your own needs, leads to exhaustion and burnout, especially when perfectionism tells you that slowing down isn’t an option.
Loneliness – This isn’t the kind of loneliness that hanging out with people will fix. In fact, being around others might make it worse, especially if you end up feeling like you’re the one always supporting others without being supported in return.
Not Feeling Seen or Understood – When you focus so much on being reliable, it can keep you from showing up as your full, authentic self. You might get so caught up in trying to be valuable to others that you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable or share your own needs. Without that, it’s hard for people to really see and understand you in the way you need.
Not Feeling Supported – Even if people want to help, the dynamic in your relationships might have become one where you’re always the one there for others. Over time, they might stop offering support because they’ve gotten used to you taking care of everything. And if you also have a hard time accepting help—or if you feel like it’s your job to be there for others—you might unintentionally turn it down without even realizing it.
Staying in Relationships That Don’t Serve You – The more you stay in the role of the "reliable one," the more you might end up attracting—or holding onto—relationships that take advantage of you (whether intentionally or unintentionally). People who rely on you for everything, without offering much in return, can leave you feeling drained and unappreciated. And because you’re so used to being the giver, you might find it hard to set boundaries or walk away, even from these one-sided dynamics.
Resentment – Giving and giving can feel fulfilling… until it doesn’t. When you're giving more than you’re receiving (even if you’re the one turning down help), it’s easy to start feeling resentful—not just toward others, but toward yourself for taking on so much.
Journal Prompt: Where do you notice this dynamic showing up in your life? What do you feel you're missing out on by staying in the “reliable one” role? And what are you gaining from it?
Why Letting Go of the “Reliable One” Role and Asking for Help Is Tough
If you’ve ever wondered, “Why is it so hard for me to ask for help?”—you’re definitely not alone!
For many people, admitting you need support can feel like a risk. It might feel like asking for help is going to disappoint someone, or worse, lead to their resentment. And when you’ve been the one everyone else depends on, even admitting you have needs can feel really uncomfortable.
Sometimes it’s easier to just keep doing what you’ve always done because it’s familiar, and re-evaluating your needs feels like a big, uncomfortable shift. And if you’ve been in situations before where you’ve been shot down after asking for help—like with a parent who needs a lot themselves, or a friend who’s too consumed with their own stuff to give back—it can feel risky to even try to reach out.
Between the roles we take on in our families, cultural expectations, and past experiences, many women learn that needing support is “selfish” or “bad,” reinforcing the belief that their worth comes from being capable and self-sufficient. If you’ve been taught that you should avoid being a burden, it’s natural to feel guilt or shame about asking for help. On top of that, when being vulnerable and expressing your needs feels like a weakness, the whole idea of asking for support becomes even scarier.
And let’s be honest: when you know you can technically handle things on your own, asking for help can feel like failure (even though it’s totally not—it’s just hard to unlearn that belief).
How To Start Shifting from Always Being Reliable to Feeling More Supported
In therapy for perfectionism, we don’t try to change these patterns overnight. And I get it—that perfectionist part of you probably wants quick solutions and instant results. But sustainable change comes from small, intentional shifts that make room for imperfection, flexibility, and real support. It’s about learning to tolerate discomfort, reflecting on what you need, and slowly figuring out how to build support in ways that feel aligned with your values.
Whether or not you’re in therapy right now, here are a few ways you can start to feel more supported:
Notice what you need without the pressure to act on it right away. Just start by observing where your needs are.
Look for places where you already feel supported—even just a tiny bit. These could be relationships where there’s mutual support or people who genuinely want to be there for you.
Start with small asks—ones that feel low-pressure and safe enough. Test it out and see how it feels.
Remember that your needs matter too—even if you don’t totally believe they do, or you’re not sure how to ask for them yet.
Regulate your nervous system in ways that actually serve you. Pause before and after being vulnerable (without giving into rumination), or practice breathing techniques (like box breathing or 4-7-8) when you’re feeling overwhelmed.
How Therapy for Perfectionism Can Help Women Overcome Emotional Exhaustion
These shifts are powerful, but they’re not easy. Doing it alone can make them feel even tougher to navigate, and it can be harder to push through those tough moments of doubt or discomfort.
Therapy for perfectionism offers a safe space to practice identifying and expressing your needs without fear of judgment. It’s a place where you don’t have to perform, where you can take a break from being the “reliable one.” In therapy, you’re encouraged to lean into support—so it feels welcomed, not like a burden.
It’s also a space where you can process what comes up after trying new ways of showing up for yourself. And over time, therapy can help you explore why it’s so hard to lean into support and allow you to dig deeper into the beliefs and experiences that make this shift difficult.
Is It Time to Start Perfectionism Therapy in New York?
If you’re used to being the one everyone counts on, asking for help might feel unfamiliar—or even wrong. But you deserve support, too. As a therapist for perfectionism based in Garden City, NY, I work with women who are great at showing up for others, yet quietly running on empty. In perfectionism therapy in New York, we explore what it looks like to receive care without guilt, to set boundaries that don’t feel selfish, and to finally let someone show up for you.
If that resonates, let’s talk
Schedule a free consultation with a therapist for perfectionism in New York
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You don’t have to keep carrying it all alone. Therapy can be a space where you get to be cared for, too.
Other Therapy Services at Balanced Connection Counseling
If you’ve spent most of your life being the one others depend on, it can feel strange to imagine therapy as a space that’s just for you. But being “the reliable one” often comes with patterns like anxiety, people-pleasing, and burnout—especially when you’ve learned that taking care of others earns connection and safety. That’s why I offer perfectionism therapy in Garden City, NY, along with support for the deeper habits that make it hard to slow down, say no, or ask for help. Therapy can be a space where you don’t have to hold it all together—where your needs get to matter, too.
About the Author
Adina Babad, LMHC-D, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who offers perfectionism therapy in Garden City, NY and online throughout New York. She works with women who are used to being “the reliable one”—the ones who hold everything together, anticipate everyone’s needs, and rarely ask for help. With warmth and clinical insight, Adina helps her clients untangle the patterns of perfectionism, people-pleasing, and emotional over-responsibility that keep them from feeling supported. In therapy, she offers a space where you can finally let go of the constant doing and start practicing what it means to be cared for, not just counted on.