Feeling Your Feelings When You’re a Perfectionist (Even If You’d Rather Not)
A note from the author: This blog post was updated in January 2026 with some new reflections and added insights.
When you’re starting to feel a lot, do you crack a joke or downplay what you’re dealing with, even though, if you were being really honest, you actually just want to cry? Maybe you scroll endlessly anytime you’ve got a free moment, or binge-watch a comfort show so there’s no empty space. You might also intellectualize or ruminate—thinking and analyzing nonstop instead of actually feeling.
I’m an online therapist in New York who works with anxious women who struggle with perfectionism, and who often find themselves stuck in people-pleasing patterns too. And if you relate to any of the above… well, same, and so do most of my clients before they start working with me. For many of us, truly facing our emotions can feel really tough.
And for anxious women with perfectionist and people-pleasing tendencies, there’s often an extra layer. There’s the anxiety that can feel suffocating, or like it’s dictating everything you do. There’s the need to get things “right,” to show up for people, and to show up in the way you think people want or expect you to. For a lot of perfectionists, emotions end up getting pushed aside—not because they don’t matter, but because there’s always something that feels more urgent.
But still, as uncomfortable as it can be, learning to recognize and feel our emotions is so important: for our emotional health, our resilience, and our ability to actually stay present in our lives instead of just pushing through them.
Why Do We Avoid Our Emotions?
Let’s be real: emotions can be uncomfortable. A lot of us avoid them because sitting with them (especially the heavier ones) can feel overwhelming.
Because emotions can feel overwhelming (and out of control)
Many people worry that if they really let themselves feel, they’ll get stuck there forever. Like giving their emotions space will turn into an endless pit of anxiety, sadness, anger, or whatever happens to come up. For anxious perfectionists especially, emotions can feel unpredictable and even threatening—something that might derail productivity, focus, or the ability to “keep it together.”
Because vulnerability can feel risky
Others are hesitant to be too vulnerable because they don’t want to be a burden on others. If you’re used to showing up for people, being dependable, or keeping the peace, it can feel uncomfortable, or even wrong, to need support yourself. And when you’re already juggling high expectations, responsibilities, and the hold it together for the people around you, it can feel like there’s just no space to slow down and really feel what’s underneath the surface.
Because many of us were never taught how to feel (safely or at all)
If we look further back, a lot of emotional avoidance starts early. Maybe you had big emotions that your parents didn’t know how to handle, and they became upset, shut you down, or brushed things off when you were struggling. You might’ve learned (directly or indirectly) that certain emotions were “too much” or something to get over quickly.
Or maybe you grew up needing to be the strong one. Maybe your caregivers had a lot on their plates, a sibling needed extra attention, or you felt pressure to keep things together. You also might’ve been so busy with school and extracurriculars that you never had much space to sit with your feelings (or even boredom) and learn how to move through those internal experiences. And when you add in the reality that many adults (most of our caregivers) were never taught how to feel their own feelings either, it makes a lot of sense that this didn’t come naturally.
And because avoidance is easy in a world full of distraction
Honestly, it doesn’t help that the world we live in, especially here in New York, offers endless distractions. There’s always something to scroll, watch, or focus on instead of tuning inward. It becomes incredibly easy to avoid what’s really going on inside.
Avoiding emotions can feel like control. But more often than not, it leads to emotions piling up under the surface. Avoiding how you feel doesn’t make those feelings disappear—it just pushes them down until they’re harder to manage and start leaking out in ways you might not immediately connect back to those emotions at all.
Why Feeling Your Feelings Actually Matters
Ignoring or minimizing your emotions might feel like a short-term solution, but it often backfires. Here’s why learning to feel your feelings is so important, especially for perfectionists who are used to pushing through:
It Helps You Feel More in Control
Avoiding emotions can create the illusion of control, but it usually leads to feeling less in control over time. When you’re aware of what you’re feeling, you can notice emotions as they build and respond to them earlier and more intentionally.
It Helps You Respond Instead of Reacting
When emotions are bottled up, they tend to come out in other ways, often as big reactions to relatively small things. Being in touch with your feelings helps you pause and respond more thoughtfully.
It Builds Real Confidence
Hiding emotions might help you look confident, but real confidence comes from accepting all parts of yourself—including the uncomfortable parts. Facing emotions reduces shame over time; avoiding them tends to make shame louder.
It Deepens Connection
Being honest with yourself about how you feel makes it easier to connect with others. Vulnerability creates space for support and helps you feel less alone, plus it often gives others permission to be more open, too.
It Builds Emotional Resilience
Facing emotions is like strengthening a muscle. The more you practice, the more you learn that you can handle hard things.
It Helps You Get Unstuck
It might feel like sitting with emotions will keep you stuck, but avoiding them often does that instead. When you understand what you’re feeling and why, you’re better able to take meaningful steps forward, rather than staying trapped in anxiety, burnout, or overthinking.
It Supports Your Physical Health
Unprocessed emotions can show up physically, through tension, fatigue, headaches, GI issues, and more. Giving emotions space can help prevent that buildup.
It Supports Self-Growth
Learning to move through emotions supports self-awareness and personal growth. It can help with decision-making, navigating people-pleasing, and letting go of unhelpful perfectionism.
It Improves Empathy and Relationships
Avoiding your own emotions can limit how deeply you empathize and connect with others (yes, even if you’re an empathetic person by nature). Understanding yourself emotionally strengthens healthy relationships.
It Helps You Make More Aligned Decisions
When you ignore your emotions, you stay stuck in your head, which often leads to analysis paralysis. Tuning into your feelings over time helps decisions feel clearer and more aligned with your values.
How To Actually Start Feeling Your Feelings
If you’re thinking, Okay, I get why this matters… but how do I actually do it?—great question. And if you have perfectionist or people-pleasing tendencies, you might notice some resistance here: wanting to do this the “right” way, worrying you’re not doing enough, or feeling impatient to get to the outcome. That’s normal. And it’s something we can work with.
Here are some realistic ways to get started:
Make Intentional Space for It
You don’t have to dive in all at once. Even a few minutes a day to check in with yourself can make a difference.
Label What You’re Feeling
Naming emotions helps things feel clearer and a little more concrete. A feelings wheel or app can be useful here.
Journal (Without Rules or Expectations)
Write whatever comes to mind—no structure, no “doing it right.” This can be helpful in the short-term, but it also helps over time.
Talk It Out
Sharing with trusted people can help you process and feel safer expressing emotions.
Try Mindfulness Practices
Practicing mindfulness or using guided meditations can help you notice emotions without judging or running from them.
Move Your Body
Physical movement, like walking, stretching, or dancing can help emotions move through you too. Just notice if you’re using it to avoid feeling.
Use Creative Expression
Art, music, writing, or any other forms of creative expression can be gentler ways to feel when emotions feel intense.
Try a Body Scan
Mentally scanning how your body feels and noticing physical sensations can help you connect with emotions in a less overwhelming way. It can also help you start tuning into your body’s signals and connect with how emotions show up for you.
Stop the Judgment
There are no “bad” emotions, so try not to label them (or yourself) as good or bad, right or wrong. Curiosity goes much further than criticism.
Consider Therapy
Working with a therapist—especially an online therapist for perfectionism, people-pleasing, or anxiety—can make this process feel much safer and more manageable.
When Feeling Your Feelings Feels Like Too Much
If this feels hard, that makes sense. And if you have perfectionist or people-pleasing tendencies, I want to be clear: this isn’t something you need to power through or do perfectly.
Go slowly. Don’t force yourself to rush to the other side.
Emotions move in waves—they rise, peak, and fall. You’ve felt difficult things before, and you survived them. With practice, patience, and self-compassion, this gets easier.
You got this!
Ready to Start Online Therapy for Perfectionism in Garden City, New York?
If this resonated and you know it’s time to start actually feeling your feelings (even if it feels scary and uncomfortable), you’re not alone and I’m here to help. From my Garden City–based practice, I work with perfectionists and people-pleasers who are great at thinking and understanding their way through their issues, but still find themselves caught in cycles of avoiding their emotions and ultimately feeling completely stuck, overwhelmed, or shut down. In online therapy for perfectionism in Garden City, New York, we work together to get in touch with the feelings underneath (at a pace that feels safe enough) and to let them out in ways that actually feel supportive. You don’t have to be ready to feel everything, but one step at a time you can learn to start understanding, and then actually give yourself, what you need. Here’s where you can start:
Learn more about me as a therapist for perfectionism and people-pleasing in New York, and how I support perfectionists navigating their feelings (not just their thoughts)
You deserve space and support to actually feel in ways that feel healthy, not avoidant. Therapy can help you find a healthy balance, without giving into perfectionistic expectations, so you can actually enjoy the life you’re working so hard to build.
Other Therapy Services at Balanced Connection Counseling in NY
When you’re a perfectionist, slowing down enough to actually feel your feelings can feel uncomfortable—or even unsafe. Therapy for perfectionists can help you build the capacity to notice and move through emotions without becoming overwhelmed or stuck in self-criticism. At Balanced Connection Counseling, I work with anxious women whose perfectionism and people-pleasing make it hard to tune into their emotions and needs.
If you’re used to thinking your way through feelings (or avoiding them altogether), anxiety, burnout, and overthinking may be closely connected. Through therapy for perfectionism in Garden City, New York, we focus on understanding these patterns and gently building the capacity to feel emotions in a way that feels safe and manageable. Therapy with me offers a supportive space where you don’t have to minimize or power through your experience. To learn more, explore my blog and FAQs, and when you’re ready, reach out to begin creating a more grounded relationship with yourself.
About the Author
Adina Babad, LMHC-D is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who specializes in therapy for perfectionism, people-pleasing, and anxiety in Garden City, NY, as well as online throughout New York. With extensive clinical experience, she has seen how driven, high-achieving women often rely on overthinking, distraction, or self-control to manage their emotions—while feeling disconnected, overwhelmed, or stuck under the surface.
Adina brings a steady, compassionate presence to therapy, helping clients develop a safer relationship with their emotions and their inner experiences. She offers a space where clients don’t have to stay “put together” or have the right words, but can learn to feel, express, and tolerate emotions at their own pace. Through this work, Adina supports clients in softening self-judgment, reducing emotional avoidance, and building resilience—so emotions no longer feel like something to fear or push through alone.