When Perfectionism and People-Pleasing Fill Your Calendar With Everyone Else’s Priorities
You keep saying you really need some downtime, just for you. You look at your calendar and see you can almost definitely fit it in… like 3 months from now? At least if nothing else comes up in the meantime!
You might feel a mix of exhaustion or dread just looking at your calendar, some excitement for the fun things coming up, pride or relief that you won’t be “doing nothing,” and maybe a bit of hope that no one else will ask you to fit something in (because you know there’s about a 98% chance you’ll say yes even if you don’t want to).
As a therapist for perfectionism and people-pleasing in New York who primarily works with high-achieving women in their 20s and 30s, I see this pattern all the time. In perfectionism therapy, we gently slow down enough to really notice this pattern—without judgment, pressure, or a new “self-improvement” checklist. That push and pull between wanting to do it all—to feel capable, dependable, and in control—and craving space to slow down and enjoy life can be exhausting. That push and pull between wanting to do it all—to feel capable, dependable, and in control—and craving space to slow down and enjoy life can be exhausting.
If you’ve ever wondered why it feels so hard to say no or slow down, this post will help you understand what’s driving that pattern and how to start changing it.
What Overcommitting Looks Like in Real Life
You might notice patterns like:
Saying yes to a friend’s party even though you already have two other social plans that weekend—and as a (mostly) introvert, you desperately need downtime.
Agreeing to a weekday concert or multiple dinners in one week, even though you know you’ll feel drained.
Offering to help a family member plan or set up for an event when your own energy’s already running low.
Saying yes to every wedding invitation, no matter the travel, cost, or time off required.
Taking on extra projects or tasks at work because you’re trusted, competent, and want to be seen as a “team player.”
Forgetting to schedule (or scheduling over) your breaks—lunch, weekends, or even sleep.
Saying yes to a promotion that looks impressive but will take over your personal life—because it feels like the “right” next step.
Any of these sound familiar?
No shame if they do! These are common experiences for perfectionists and people-pleasers, especially when they’ve built a reputation on being reliable, capable, and there for everyone else.
Why You Keep Saying Yes Even When You Don’t Want To
Let’s be clear: having a full calendar isn’t inherently bad. If you have people you care about, a job that matters to you, and resources that allow you to do a lot, that’s awesome!
But when your schedule reflects everyone else’s priorities—and barely any of your own—it’s worth pausing to understand why.
Here are a few common reasons:
You worry about disappointing people.
You feel pressure (direct or indirect) from the people around you to do it all.
Being reliable is part of your identity. So you wonder if people would still want you around if you weren’t the one they could count on.
You have major FOMO.
Staying busy helps ease anxiety.
You’re not entirely clear on your values.
Saying “yes” feels easier than using energy to decide when to say “no.”
These patterns often come from perfectionistic tendencies—the need to meet expectations, avoid mistakes, and maintain control. They can also show up as people-pleasing habits—doing what’s expected to keep the peace or avoid letting anyone down. Both can take over your calendar until it barely reflects what you actually need.
Pause and Notice
Before you make any big changes, pause.
You don’t need to overhaul your life from a place of overwhelm. Making changes from a more grounded place will feel a lot better and more sustainable. And keep in mind, the goal isn’t perfection, it’s awareness.
So first, take a look at your calendar and notice—
How you feel when you look at it (and what sensations you feel in your body, not just your thoughts).
How much of it is filled with:
Things you truly want to do
Obligations
Commitments made out of guilt
How often your “off hours” are actually taken up by work.
Whether your schedule reflects your values, or mostly everyone else’s.
Now think about, when you say yes, what are you hoping that yes will give you? Maybe connection, validation, a sense of control, safety, belonging? And when you consider saying no, what discomfort shows up? Guilt, fear of conflict, fear of disappointing someone, worry that you’ll be forgotten or left out?
Notice how it feels to sit with these, from a place of curiosity, not judgment.
This reflection is often a first step in therapy for perfectionists, as you learn to slow down, notice patterns, and make decisions that come from intention rather than fear, guilt, or habit.
Small Shifts That Make a Big Difference
You don’t need to completely overhaul your calendar or your lifestyle to start making your schedule feel more like yours. Even small, intentional shifts can help you move from automatic “yes” to more authentic choices.
You don’t have to have all the answers yet, and you probably won’t, especially if you’re used to ignoring your own needs and doing what feels like the “good” or “right” thing. That’s okay! This process takes time. If you’re not sure where to start, I’ve got you. Try choosing one or two small areas to begin with, and you can always add more as you go.
Start by reflecting:
What would your ideal schedule look like?
How does that compare to what you have now?
What would your future self want you to prioritize now?
Then, you can start practicing some of these small but powerful changes:
Pause before saying yes. Ask yourself:
Why am I saying yes? Is it excitement, guilt, obligation, habit?
What am I giving up (if anything) by saying yes?
What might I gain (if anything) by saying no?
Set simple self-care goals. How much rest, downtime, or alone time do you need (or want) each day or week?
Start with the easy “no”s. Choose one thing you can say no to or just not volunteer for.
Figure out your non-negotiables. This could include things like sleep, slow mornings, a weekly walk, or one night off from social plans. This can also include non-negotiable yeses—the things or people that truly matter to you and that you want to make time for.
Schedule your recharge time as if it’s a meeting with someone important (because it is). And if you need to move it, reschedule it, don’t cancel it.
Practice clear, kind boundaries. If it helps, you can have a few phrases ready for whenever you need them:
“I wish I could, but I’ve got too much on my plate right now.”
“I’d love to help, as long as it’s before 7pm.”
“My calendar’s really full at the moment. Let’s find a time to meet after the holidays!”
These steps might sound small, but they’re the foundation of creating balance and boundaries, which are important parts of self-care for perfectionists and people-pleasers.
Taking Care of Yourself While Still Showing Up for Others
If even thinking about making these shifts feels overwhelming, that’s okay. And it’s actually really normal.
Start small and give yourself permission to rest and to learn as you go. Over time, you’ll build the confidence to show up for others without making yourself impossibly small in the process.
And if this feels hard to work through on your own (I get it!), therapy can help.
If you’re in New York and this resonates, I’d be happy to support you and help you learn to slow down, set boundaries, and make your life—and your calendar—reflect your priorities, not just everyone else’s.
Is Therapy for Perfectionism in Garden City the Support You Need to Reclaim Your Time?
If your calendar is packed with everyone else’s priorities and there never seems to be room for your own, you’re not the only one. When you’re used to being the dependable friend, the go-to coworker, or the one who “always shows up,” it can feel almost impossible to say no—even when you’re exhausted. As a therapist for perfectionism based in Garden City, NY, I work with women who are great at being there for others, but rarely have space left for themselves. In therapy for perfectionism, we explore what it looks like to make room for your needs without feeling selfish, to practice saying “no” with less guilt, and to let your time reflect what actually matters to you—not just what’s expected.
If that resonates, let’s talk.
Schedule a free consultation with a therapist for perfectionism in New York
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You don’t have to keep arranging your life around everyone else’s needs. Therapy at Balanced Connection Counseling can be a space where your needs get to matter, too.
Other Therapy Services at Balanced Connection Counseling
If your calendar always seems full—but very little of it is actually for you—you’re not alone. When perfectionism and people-pleasing run the show, they often travel with anxiety, burnout, and that constant pressure to say “yes,” even when you’re drained. That’s why I offer therapy for perfectionism in Garden City, NY, along with support for people-pleasing, anxiety, burnout, and therapy for women who are tired of building their lives around everyone else’s needs. Therapy can be a place to practice setting boundaries, protecting your time, and actually honoring your limits—without having to justify or earn it.
About the Author
Adina Babad, LMHC-D, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who offers perfectionism therapy in Garden City, NY and online throughout New York. She works with women whose calendars are packed with everyone else’s priorities—showing up for work, friends, and family—while their own needs quietly get pushed to the bottom of the list. With warmth and clinical insight, Adina helps clients untangle perfectionism, people-pleasing, and the pressure to always say “yes,” so they can start honoring their time, energy, and limits. In therapy, she offers a space where you don’t have to earn rest or justify your needs—you get to practice letting your life include you, too.