The First Time Your Team Disagrees with You: Why New Leaders Spiral into Self-Doubt
For a lot of high-achievers, stepping into a leadership role—whether as a manager, CEO, business owner, or leading a project—feels like it’s finally going to bring that sense of accomplishment you’ve been working towards. And maybe it does… at first. But what about that first time your team disagrees with you, or worse, pushes back?
Even if you’re someone who’s pretty open to feedback, for a lot of perfectionists and people-pleasers, that moment can feel like you’ve just failed. Massively. And now you’re replaying that conversation (or honestly, your whole career) in your head. All. Night.
I’m an online therapist for perfectionism and people-pleasing in Garden City, New York, and I specialize in working with women who have recently stepped into leadership roles. Especially when they’ve just experienced that pushback for the first time, and it brings up all those old feelings of self-doubt and not-enough-ness (using the technical therapy term here, of course).
And this moment I’m talking about comes up a lot. It’s one that can lead to a spiral pretty quickly, and one that many leaders remember very clearly.
In my last blog, I wrote about why pushback in a new leadership role can bring up anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. Now, I want to get a bit more specific and talk about that first moment your team openly disagrees with you, and why it can shake you so much.
The First Time Your Team Disagrees with You as a Leader
You’re in a meeting. You share a plan, an idea. You know you thought it through. And sure, there’s probably some imposter syndrome coming up, some doubt, but you’re showing up as confidently as you can.
And then someone speaks up.
They say they don’t think your plan will work. They question whether you really thought it through. They point out something you hadn’t even considered. Or they just… don’t want to do things the way you’re asking them to.
Internally, you panic. Did I say something wrong? Did I not make sense? Am I actually not as competent as I thought?
You’re scanning the room, looking to see how other people are reacting. Do other people agree? Did I just completely ruin how they see me? Is this the beginning of the end of my career??
Your perfectionism kicks in quickly too. I knew I should’ve asked for more feedback before I shared this with everyone. I shouldn’t haven’t trusted myself to figure this out on my own. I should’ve spent more time on this. I should’ve thought of that thing they pointed out.
It can feel like all your worst fears just came true. And a big part of you might want to slip back into a pattern than feels comfortable—people-pleasing. Maybe I can smooth this over. Maybe I can convince them I know what I’m doing. Maybe I just need to prove I’m good at taking feedback? Whatever it takes to make sure they still like me and think I’m ready for this.
If this is your reaction, I want you to know: this is so common. And it makes sense that it feels as intense as it does.
Why That First Disagreement As a New Leader Can Shake You So Much
You might be worrying, If this affects me this much, maybe I’m just not cut out for leadership.
But this reaction, this experience as a whole, isn’t really about your ability to lead. It’s about deeper patterns, beliefs, and expectations that get activated in this specific moment. Especially for people who already lean towards perfectionism and people-pleasing, and definitely for those of us who are more sensitive.
Here are a few reasons why this experience can hit so hard:
1. Transitioning into leadership is a major identity shift
You might’ve been “the responsible one” or the unofficial leader for a long time (group projects, anyone?), so this can seem like a natural next step. But honestly, this is different.
This is a new identity that your mind and body are still catching up to. Seeing yourself as the leader—the one making decisions, setting the tone, giving direction—can feel unfamiliar, even if you’ve earned it, and even if you’ve been waiting for this for years.
A few weeks ago, you might’ve been their peer. Who am I to tell them what to do? I was just in their position. Or you’ve been running your business solo for a while. I’m still figuring this out myself. I barely see myself as a boss—how are they supposed to?
That internal adjustment takes time (and conscious attention).
2. The social dynamics have completely changed
You may have always gotten along well with colleagues and been seen as competent. But now, the dynamics are different. This is new territory.
You might be leading former peers, people older than you, or people with more experience.
And you probably want to be a “good” leader—the kind you always wished you had. But being a good leader doesn’t necessarily mean being liked all the time. Getting used to that can feel… uncomfortable, to say the least.
3. Work was where you usually felt the most capable – until now
You got here because you’re capable. And maybe work was the place where you felt the most confident—where you could rely on your abilities, even when self-doubt showed up a little.
But now you’re in a completely new role. So, when that first disagreement happens, internally it can quickly turn into: What if I was only good at those lower-level roles? What if I’ve hit my max? What if I’ve lost the one thing I’m actually good at?
Even if that’s not actually true, it can feel so real in the moment.
4. There’s a new level of visibility
You’ve probably felt visible before, like people expect a lot of you so they’re paying close attention and will definitely notice your mistakes, but this is different. Now, your decisions feel more public, more noticeable.
So, when someone disagrees or pushes back, it can feel like everyone is watching it happen. And like everyone’s judging. Your brain naturally focuses on anything that feels imperfect, and especially the things that feel “negative,” which just amplifies all of this.
5. The pressure to prove yourself feels higher
With a bigger role (and often higher pay), it can feel like there’s more at stake. You might feel like you really need to prove you earned this position, and that you deserve to keep it.
So, if you’re challenged early on, it can feel like: Great, I’ve already messed this up. Even when that’s not what’s actually happening.
6. It brings up old stories about your worth
This is that deeper layer. Moments like this can tap into beliefs that’ve been there for a long time: Maybe I’m not enough.Maybe I’m too much.Maybe people will realize I’m not as capable as they thought.
It can also remind you of past dynamics, where you’ve been questioned, dismissed, or not fully supported. Like a strict parent who never made you feel like you were doing anything right, or a “friend” who seemed to always give you backhanded compliments.
Even if you thought you’ve worked through a lot of that, big transitions (especially ones where you’re leveling up) have a way of bringing those old narratives back to the surface.
7. You don’t know what happens next yet
Especially if this is the first time you’ve been openly disagreed with or challenged in this role, your brain tries to predict what’ll happen next (without any actual experience to go off of): Will people start questioning me more now? Will they stop respecting me? Could I get fired? Will my team quit?
That uncertainty, especially if you already tend to feel anxious and try to prepare for everything, can feel completely overwhelming. It can make everything feel more intense and harder to ground yourself in.
If You’re Feeling Overwhelmed and Stuck Right Now
If this experience hit you hard, it doesn’t mean you’re not cut out for leadership. It’s a really understandable response to being in a new role that’s pushing you to grow, and it’s bringing up patterns that have probably been there for a long time.
This is the kind of experience that can feel terrible as it’s happening, but also has the potential to lead to huge growth (even if it doesn’t feel like it right now).
In my next blog, I’ll talk about some practical ways to handle these moments, so you’re not just stuck in your head spiraling, and you can actually feel more grounded, confident, and clear in how you respond.
Helping New Leaders Handle Disagreement
This leadership transition, and the disagreement or pushback that can come with it, often brings up more than most people expect.
And while you can work on managing it on your own, this is also the kind of thing where having real support can make a difference.
Online therapy for perfectionism and people-pleasing can help you work through the deeper patterns showing up here, so you’re not just surviving these moments, but actually growing into the kind of leader you want to be.
If you’re in New York and this resonates, I’d love to connect for a consult call and see if we’d be a good fit to work through this together.
WHAT IF YOUR FIRST TEAM DISAGREEMENT DIDN'T HAVE TO FEEL LIKE FAILURE? START ONLINE THERAPY FOR PERFECTIONISM AND PEOPLE PLEASING IN NEW YORK
If you've been reading this and recognizing yourself—replaying the meeting on a loop, wondering what you should have said differently, or already planning how to win everyone back tomorrow—you're not overreacting. You're experiencing what happens when perfectionism, anxiety, and people-pleasing have been running the show your entire career and now you're in a role where not everyone is going to agree with you. At Balanced Connection Counseling, my Garden City–based practice, I work with high-achieving women who finally got the promotion and now can't stop second-guessing every decision the moment someone pushes back. In online therapy for perfectionism and people pleasing in New York, we unpack why one disagreement can send you into a full spiral of self-doubt, why you take pushback so personally even when you know it's not, and how to lead through conflict without abandoning yourself in the process. Working with an online therapist for perfectionism means having someone who gets it—someone who understands why you'd rather over-function than sit with the discomfort of being disagreed with.
Learn more about me as an online therapist for perfectionism in New York
One disagreement doesn't mean you're failing. Therapy can help you stop interpreting pushback as proof that you don't belong.
OTHER THERAPY SERVICES AT BALANCED CONNECTION COUNSELING
If your team disagreeing with you sends you straight into self-doubt, over-explaining, or quietly adjusting your entire approach to keep the peace, there's usually more going on than just a tough meeting. Anxiety, burnout, people-pleasing, and the pressure to earn your authority every single day often show up alongside that spiral—making it feel impossible to hold a firm position, trust your own judgment, or let people be uncomfortable with your decisions. That's why I offer online therapy for perfectionism and people pleasing in New York, along with specialized therapy for women navigating the emotional patterns that keep them softening their leadership, reading the room instead of leading it, and treating every disagreement like evidence they're not ready. I help clients understand the deeper stories behind their need for unanimous approval—and what it would look like to lead without it. If you're exhausted from trying to be the leader everyone likes instead of the leader you actually are, therapy for perfectionism can offer a compassionate space to stop performing consensus and start trusting your own voice.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Adina Babad, LMHC-D, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and online therapist for perfectionism in Garden City and throughout New York State. She works with high-achieving, anxious perfectionists and people-pleasers who step into leadership and immediately feel the weight of every disagreement, every raised eyebrow, and every team member who doesn't seem fully on board. With warmth, clinical expertise, and a deep understanding of how perfectionism and people-pleasing hijack your leadership, Adina helps clients untangle the beliefs that keep them spiraling after pushback, over-explaining decisions that don't need defending, and measuring their authority by how comfortable everyone else feels. Through online therapy for perfectionism and people pleasing in New York, she creates a compassionate space where you can explore why disagreement feels so threatening, why your first instinct is to fix it rather than sit with it, and how to lead through conflict without losing yourself in the process—so you can finally stop managing everyone's reactions and start trusting the leader you already are.