How Perfectionism and People-Pleasing Show Up in the Small, Everyday Choices You Make
You might notice that you’ve got some perfectionistic or people-pleasing tendencies, but do you notice just how often they show up?
Sure, sometimes they’re loud and obvious, like the common signs of perfectionism a lot of us recognize. Maybe you’re stressing about a work project because it isn’t “perfect,” or spiraling when a friend takes an hour too long to text back because you’re suddenly convinced you were “too much” at your own birthday dinner. But most of the time, perfectionism and people-pleasing show up more quietly. They hide inside the tiny, everyday choices you make without thinking—the ones that look harmless from the outside but feel heavy on the inside.
As a therapist in New York who specializes in therapy for perfectionism and people-pleasing, I see these patterns all the time. The obvious ones, yes, but also the smaller ones that run in the background: the pressure, the guilt, the fear of disappointing anyone, the quiet ways you push your own needs to the bottom of the list, eventually leaving you feeling distant and burned out.
These tendencies aren’t “bad.” They’ve helped you cope and stay connected in ways that probably made sense at the time. But they can also reinforce some painful beliefs about yourself and keep you stuck in patterns that drain your energy, feed that constant buzz of anxiety, and make life feel heavier than it needs to.
Here are some of the subtle ways perfectionism and people-pleasing might be showing up in your everyday choices, and how they might be nudging your own needs out of the picture.
1. You say what you want… but a watered-down version of it
If you were being fully honest, you’d choose something different, or maybe say it with more certainty. But you give the “close enough” version instead.
Where perfectionism and people-pleasing show up:
It can feel risky to take a strong stance. Maybe you worry you’ll seem demanding, picky, too rigid, or just “too much,” or that you’ll inconvenience someone. Or maybe you’re worried about choosing “wrong” or being judged for what you like. Softening your wants, needs, and opinions feels safer, especially if you’ve internalized perfectionistic pressure to not “need too much.”
How this puts your needs last:
You silence yourself before anyone else even has the chance. And in doing so, you’re reinforcing to yourself that your preferences are inconvenient.
A gentle reframe:
Honesty doesn’t make you difficult — it makes you knowable. People can disagree and still stay connected.
2. You procrastinate… a lot
Suddenly scrubbing the stove the moment you need to send one annoying email? We’ve all been there!
Where perfectionism and people-pleasing show up:
If a task feels like a lot of pressure, like it needs to be done “right,” waiting until the “right moment” can feel safer than just starting. And if you’re worried about judgment, conflict, or disappointing someone, avoidance can feel like the easier option (at least for a little while).
How this puts your needs last:
Avoiding a task actually just creates more stress in the background, because it doesn’t just go away. And that lingering stress takes time and energy you could be using for rest or something meaningful.
A gentle reframe:
Procrastination isn’t saving you energy, but it is costing a lot. Most tasks feel less heavy once you take the first tiny step, and you can always pause if you need to. Small, imperfect steps still move you forward.
3. You apologize… constantly
Not necessarily because you’ve done anything wrong, but just in case.
Where perfectionism and people-pleasing show up:
You don’t want to seem unaware or careless, and you don’t want to inconvenience anyone or be judged for a mistake. Over-apologizing becomes self-protection.
How this puts your needs last:
When you over-apologize, you’re making yourself smaller over time. If you really check in, are you actually apologizing for inconveniencing someone, or for being an inconvenience? Apologizing all the time is like apologizing for existing—or just for being human.
A gentle reframe:
Apologies are important when harm is done—not when you’re just being human. Thanking someone for their flexibility or just giving space for them to tell you how they feel is often more grounded than preemptively apologizing.
4. You take on everything yourself instead of delegating
You trust yourself to get it right, and you don’t want to burden anyone else anyway.
Where perfectionism and people-pleasing show up:
You worry about things being done “wrong” or reflecting poorly on you. You don’t want to be seen as needy or incapable. You also worry others will feel taken advantage of, even if you don’t tend to ask a lot of them.
How this puts your needs last:
You take on the inconvenience so no one else has to, even when it leaves you stretched thin.
A gentle reframe:
Delegating isn’t weakness or laziness. Part of being in community involves relying on each other for different things at different times.
5. You ask everyone else what they want before checking in with yourself
It feels polite… but also automatic.
Where perfectionism and people-pleasing show up:
You don’t want to be selfish or make people feel pressured, and you don’t want to choose the “wrong” thing or disappoint anyone.
How this puts your needs last:
You don’t give yourself the chance to really know what you want, and you’re reinforcing that what you want doesn’t really matter anyway. Resentment might also be building in the background.
A gentle reframe:
Naming your preference isn’t forcing anyone’s hand. But it does give you a voice, and gives the people around you the opportunity to get to know you and to consider what you want.
6. You volunteer for tasks at work even when you’re overloaded
If you don’t do it, who will?
Where perfectionism and people-pleasing show up:
You don’t want to look like you’re slacking or like you’re not a “team player.” You don’t want to let anyone down or leave anyone feeling frustrated. And you’re afraid of the judgment that might come with saying no or not “stepping up.”
How this puts your needs last:
You ignore your capacity, which just makes work heavier and gets you closer to burnout. And not giving others the chance to step up just reinforces the feeling that you need to do it all.
A gentle reframe:
Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Checking in with yourself first is a great habit to get into.
7. You don’t ask questions in meetings
If no one else has questions, you shouldn’t, right?
Where perfectionism and people-pleasing show up:
You want to look competent, so asking a question feels like exposing a weakness or taking up too much space. That fear of being “found out” is a common perfectionist worry and can be a sign of imposter syndrome.
How this puts your needs last:
You end up confused, stressed, and disconnected, without the clarity you need and deserve. Your job feels harder without the clarity you need and deserve, and you’re reinforcing the belief that you’re supposed to stay small.
A gentle reframe:
Asking questions often helps others (because chances are others have questions they’re not asking either) and can also show you’re engaged and invested.
8. You re-read your texts or emails multiple times before hitting send
You want to be thoughtful, and you want to get it right.
Where perfectionism and people-pleasing show up:
You don’t want to sound weird, abrupt, too much, or not smart enough. And a typo or grammatical error can feel like a big mistake that makes you look incompetent.
How this puts your needs last:
The mental energy it takes to get every message “just right” is exhausting. Plus, it reinforces the idea that you’re not allowed to make mistakes.
A gentle reframe:
We’re all human, which means we all make mistakes and we’re all imperfect. People who care about you won’t think much of a typo or awkward phrasing. And you’re allowed to own it if something didn’t land the way you hoped.
9. You only do things you already know you’re good at
It feels good to be good at things. Plus, it feels safe.
Where perfectionism and people-pleasing show up:
Trying something new feels vulnerable, especially for perfectionist, high-achieving women who are used to excelling. What if you look incompetent? What if it confirms the fear that you’re not as capable as people think?
How this puts your needs last:
You miss out on joy, growth, and permission to be a beginner. Expecting yourself to be great at everything you do is a heavy weight to carry. And not giving yourself the chance to see that people like and care about you either way ultimately does you a disservice.
A gentle reframe:
Being imperfect is more relatable and makes it feel safer for other people to mess up and be vulnerable with you, too. And honestly, it’s sometimes more fun.
10. You avoid being the first to reach out
You don’t want to look overeager, even if you think they like talking to you too.
Where perfectionism and people-pleasing show up:
Reaching out feels vulnerable. You might worry about rejection or looking like you care “more” than they do.
How this puts your needs last:
Not reaching out blocks you from the connection you actually want. And pretending you don’t really care keeps you from showing up authentically.
A gentle reframe:
Reaching out might actually give the other person an opportunity to connect, especially if they’re also feeling hesitant to reach out. And if they don’t reciprocate, that doesn’t have to say anything about your worth—but it can give you helpful clarity about where to invest your energy.
11. … Or you’re always the one who reaches out
You know people are busy, plus you don’t want anyone to feel forgotten, because you know how that feels.
Where perfectionism and people-pleasing show up:
It might feel like you need to keep “earning” the friendship, or you’re worried about looking like a bad friend. Or you might be worried people will forget about you if you don’t reach out—like everything will fall apart if you stop taking on so much.
How this puts your needs last:
It’s exhausting! Not only can it take a lot of mental effort, but it also puts the responsibility of the friendship on you.
A gentle reframe:
It’s great to be the friend who reaches out and keeps up with people. And it’s also okay to let others share the weight of the friendship.
12. You spend a ton of time finding the “perfect,” most thoughtful gifts
You want the people who care about you to feel really seen.
Where perfectionism and people-pleasing show up:
You’re worried people will think you’re not thoughtful or don’t care enough if your gift isn’t on point. Plus, getting something “wrong” or not being the best might feel like a failure (at least that’s what perfectionism might be telling you).
How this puts your needs last:
Gift giving can feel like a stressful obligation, rather than something fun.
A gentle reframe:
There are lots of ways to show love and care for people. Meaningful gifts take thought, but thoughtfulness doesn’t require perfection.
13. You’re the planner in your friend group
Because if you didn’t plan it, nothing would ever happen.
Where people-pleasing and perfectionism show up:
You don’t want things to fall apart, so you take it on yourself. It might also feel like people expect a lot of you, and you don’t want the group to be disappointed.
How this puts your needs last:
Planning can take a lot of time and energy. And that’s fine if you truly enjoy it, or if it’s another way you care for the people around you, but you probably don’t always have the time or mental energy to take it all on yourself. It can become another responsibility you’re taking on and might add to the pressure or burden you feel.
A gentle reframe:
It’s okay to step back sometimes. The responsibility isn’t only yours to carry.
14. You say you’re “fine” even when you’re overwhelmed
Everyone has their own stuff going on anyway, right?
Where people-pleasing and perfectionism show up:
You don’t want to be a burden or seem needy. And you don’t want people to judge you or think less of you for struggling.
How this puts your needs last:
Denying that you’re struggling often just makes you feel more isolated and reinforces the feeling that other people’s emotions matter more than your own. Cutting yourself off from the support you need (or want) and deserve just makes it all harder.
A gentle reframe:
Needing (and wanting) support is human. Being vulnerable, especially with people we’re close to, gives other people the chance to show up for us and truly connect with us.
15. You say yes to promotions and job “opportunities” you don’t really want
Because that’s what you’re “supposed to do.”
Where perfectionism and people-pleasing show up:
You don’t want to let your boss, your team, or your family down, or seem “ungrateful” or “not ambitious enough.” And you’re following a script of what success is “supposed” to look like, even if it doesn’t align with your goals, needs, or values.
How this puts your needs last:
More responsibility doesn’t necessarily mean more fulfillment, confidence, or feelings of success. It might just mean more pressure.
A gentle reframe:
You can be proud of your achievements (and grateful for the opportunities) and choose what actually aligns with your life.
Choosing Yourself in the Small, Everyday Ways
None of this is black-and-white. You don’t need to overhaul your entire life or get rid of these patterns altogether. At Balanced Connection Counseling, the goal is awareness—noticing how perfectionism and people-pleasing shape your choices, your relationships, and your sense of self, even when they show up in small ways.
When you understand the “why” behind your habits, you can start making choices that support you, which includes your needs, your values, your energy, and your well-being.
And if it feels hard to untangle all of this alone (as it often does), therapy for perfectionists can help you sort through the pressure, the fears, and the expectations you’ve been carrying for a long time. You don’t have to hold it all by yourself.
Create Space to Let Go and Choose Yourself Through Therapy for Perfectionism in Garden City, NY
If you’re exhausted from trying to get everything “just right,” therapy for perfectionism can help you understand why perfectionism feels so hard to shut off—and what life can look like when it no longer runs the show. With the right support, you can learn to break old patterns, trust yourself more, and move through daily decisions without constant pressure.
If your inner critic keeps pushing you to do more, even when you’re already depleted, you’re far from alone. Through my Garden City therapy practice, I support perfectionists and people-pleasers who appear put-together on the outside while quietly wrestling with stress, guilt, and burnout. In therapy for perfectionists, we untangle the overthinking and unrealistic expectations that drive overwhelm, making room for rest, joy, and accomplishment that doesn’t depend on overworking yourself. Rest isn’t something you have to earn. It’s something you deserve to learn how to receive.
Start prioritizing you by scheduling a free 15-minute consultation.
Learn more about my approach as a therapist for perfectionism in New York and how I support clients just like you.
Discover ways to build a healthier balance between doing enough and finally feeling enough.
Other Services With Balanced Connection Counseling in NY
When perfectionism and people-pleasing start shaping every decision, therapy with Balanced Connection Counseling can help you slow down long enough to understand what’s driving those patterns. Many people find that with the right support, they regain a sense of control, confidence, and the freedom to rest without guilt. If “just one more thing” has become your constant internal refrain, it’s likely that more than perfectionism is keeping you stretched thin. Burnout, anxiety, and a lifelong habit of prioritizing others often weave together, making it harder to set limits or trust your own needs. That’s why I offer therapy for perfectionism in Garden City, NY, along with support for the emotional and behavioral patterns that keep you in overdrive. If you’ve been craving a place where you don’t have to prove your worth before slowing down, therapy can offer a gentle starting point. Feel free to explore my blog and FAQs to learn more—and reach out when you’re ready to take your first step toward a more balanced, grounded life.
About the Author
Adina Babad, LMHC-D, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor providing therapy for perfectionism and people-pleasing in Garden City, NY and online across New York. Drawing from years of clinical experience, she understands how easily high-achieving women fall into patterns of overthinking, overpreparing, and overextending themselves—often convincing themselves they’ll rest “just after this” while running on empty. Adina brings a warm, grounded presence to the work, helping clients recognize how perfectionism and people-pleasing shape the small choices they make every day. In her sessions, she creates a space where you’re allowed to show up as a real, imperfect human rather than someone who must constantly perform or produce. Through this supportive, compassionate approach, Adina guides clients toward easing internal pressure, setting healthier boundaries, and finally experiencing rest that doesn’t have to be earned.