Can You Be Ambitious and Still Slow Down? Letting Go of Perfectionism, People-Pleasing, and the Fear of Losing Yourself
Lately, you’ve been noticing that quiet thought getting louder: “I just want to take a break and actually slow down.”
And sometimes, just thinking about that slower, more peaceful life feels like a sigh of relief. But often, right after that thought? Usually a wave of anxiety. That voice in your head might jump in with something like: That’s not realistic. That’s lazy. You haven’t earned it. What would that even look like?
As a therapist for perfectionism in NYC who also works with people-pleasers, and people who are really good at holding it all together on the outside (while feeling overwhelmed on the inside), this is a big theme that’s been coming up with clients lately.
There’s this growing awareness that, hey… maybe all this constant doing isn’t actually working for me anymore. The hustle doesn’t feel as satisfying as it used to—if it ever really did. Work isn’t giving that sense of purpose or identity it once did. And the thought of adding more responsibility—like going for that promotion—feels heavier than it used to.
But even though part of you is craving rest, clarity, connection, joy... there’s still that fear that if you slow down, you’ll lose something important, like momentum, approval, and even a sense of who you are.
So, let’s talk about that—the fear, the hope, the things you’re not sure you want to say out loud just yet. And what might actually be possible if you let yourself live a little more slowly.
Why Slowing Down Feels Like Giving Up (Even When You Know It’s Not)
Let’s just name it: slowing down can feel wrong—even when a big part of you wants it.
A lot of us grew up with the message (in direct or indirect ways) that we need to constantly be doing, achieving, producing—just to be worthy. And in our hustle-obsessed culture, that pressure is everywhere. If you live in New York or another fast-paced city, it’s even louder.
We’re taught that being ambitious means working late, saying yes to everything, going above and beyond 24/7—and that if we stop, even for a second, we’ll fall behind. Or worse, be seen as lazy, selfish, or not living up to our potential (😱).
And let’s be real: for people in marginalized communities—whether you’re a woman, BIPOC, LGBTQ+, neurodivergent, or navigating multiple identities—the pressure to “prove” your worth is even heavier. That “work twice as hard to get half as far” message gets internalized fast. So yeah, no wonder you feel like you have to keep pushing.
Maybe growing up, you were told not to waste your potenitial. You were praised for being the responsible one, the smart one, the one who always helped or always had it together. And now, that role feels like who you are.
So, when the idea of slowing down comes up, your brain might go straight to:
What if people stop taking me seriously?
What if I let everyone down?
What if I lose everything I’ve worked for?
What if I’m not actually that smart or capable, and I’m only successful because I work really hard?
And of course that feels scary! You’ve learned that doing or performing = safety. But here’s the thing: that version of ambition might be keeping you stuck in a loop that never really lets you feel content. And you can start questioning it—without throwing your whole life away.
What if Ambition Didn’t Have to Look Like a Constant Hustle?
Let’s consider something for a second (just humor me): What if ambition didn’t have to mean constantly pushing yourself to the edge?
Seriously—take a second and ask yourself:
What does “ambition” mean to me?
When I picture an “ambitious” person, what’s their life actually like? Are they happy? Are they burned out? What have they had to sacrifice?
And then ask yourself: Are those things I actually want?
Because here’s the tricky part, and the paradox a lot of my clients run into: the more you do, the more you have to lose. The further you climb, the more pressure you feel to stay there. You start believing failure isn’t an option, and suddenly the thing that once made you feel accomplished starts to feel like a trap. You’ve worked so hard for stability or recognition or freedom, but you don’t feel any of those things. You just feel the pressure to keep going.
Ambition doesn’t have to mean hustle, or being “on” all the time, or squeezing one more thing into your already-packed schedule.
It could also mean:
Taking your time instead of rushing through every task, because you’re focused on thoughtfulness, not speed
Saying no to that extra project so you can give your full attention (and energy) to the things already on your plate
Turning something in before it’s “just right,” because done and intentional is better than burned out and meticulous
Asking for help instead of trying to figure everything out yourself—or reinventing the wheel when someone else could point you in the right direction
Leaving work on time, and actually letting yourself enjoy your evening instead of replaying your to-do list in your head
Taking a mental health day (or vacation, or even going to the doctor!) without trying to justify it or “earn” it with extra work
Reconsidering going for the promotion, and really thinking about what you actually want—instead of what’s “supposed to be” your next step
Making a big career shift—even if you’re 27, or 37, or 57—because you realize your current path doesn’t support your mental health or your goals anymore
Ambition might still include your job, your income, your growth—but it doesn’t have to only be about that. It’s okay to expand your definition.
It could also mean building healthier relationships (which take energy and intention). Or developing a stronger connection to yourself. Or having time to volunteer for something that matters to you. Or simply having the energy to show up for the people and experiences that bring meaning to your life.
None of those things show up on a resume—but they still count (probably more than most of the stuff on your resume actually does).
The Challenges of Letting Go of Perfectionism and People-Pleasing
Okay, so now we’ve reframed what ambition could look like. But actually getting there? That part’s not always smooth.
Let’s be real: perfectionism and people-pleasing didn’t come out of nowhere. They’ve served a purpose. Maybe they helped you feel safe, accepted, or in control. Maybe they were how you coped in an environment that felt unpredictable, critical, or just too much.
So of course it’s scary to start letting those patterns go. Even if you know they’re hurting you now, they’ve been familiar and predictable, and they’ve probably helped you feel like you belong.
Here’s what often comes up when we start pulling away from these patterns:
Identity shifts
If you’ve always been “the high achiever” or “the helper,” slowing down or setting boundaries might feel like you’re betraying a core part of who you are. But what if those things are just roles you’ve played—not the full story of you?
Exploring who you are underneath the hustle, the caretaking, the perfectionism can feel exciting and expansive… but also kind of terrifying. Because it’s unknown, it’s new, and it’s not how people (including you) have always seen you.
Changes in relationships
When you stop doing everything for everyone, people might notice. They might get confused, or defensive, or even a little annoyed. Not necessarily because they’re bad people—sometimes it’s just because they’re used to a certain dynamic, and change makes people uncomfortable.
They might project their own stuff onto you, like their fear of slowing down or setting boundaries, without even realizing it.
Sometimes this is a temporary adjustment, and other times it sticks around.
That doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It just means the system is adjusting. And sometimes, you’ll find out who really sees and values you, not just what you do for them.
Rethinking life goals
A lot of us set goals based on what we were told we “should” want, like career milestones, salary goals, moving up the ladder, or getting the apartment with the balcony and beautiful view. But what happens when you stop and ask “is that even what I want?”
Sometimes, slowing down brings up big questions. Maybe you realize you don’t want the promotion if it means working weekends or longer hours. Maybe your dream shifts from running a department to having more space to write, travel, or spend time with people you care about. Maybe the city doesn’t feel like the right fit anymore, and you start daydreaming about… a quiet farm?
(Yes, you can want big things and want peace. Those aren’t mutually exclusive.)
The weird discomfort of stillness
If you’re used to being busy 24/7, stillness can feel… awkward. Like, “What am I supposed to be doing right now?” awkward. It can feel boring, unsettling, even wrong.
Your brain and body are used to that go-go-go pace, so of course it takes time to adjust. Stillness can bring up the anxiety you’ve been pushing aside through movement and productivity. That doesn’t mean stillness is bad—it just means you’re not used to it yet.
But over time? That stillness becomes space. Space for reflection, creativity, rest, connection. Space to feel like yourself again, maybe for the first time in a long time.
Facing the Fear of Losing Yourself
Here’s something that doesn’t get talked about enough: When you’ve spent so much of your life hustling, achieving, and proving, it’s easy to confuse those things with your actual identity.
So, when you start slowing down—saying no more often, choosing rest, not striving for A+ work every single time—it can feel like you’re losing who you are. If I’m not the hardworking one, the helpful one, the one who always shows up… then who am I?
It’s a big, honest question. And it’s one that can feel easier to avoid—until you can’t anymore. Because even if staying in your old patterns feels “safe,” they might also be the very thing keeping you stuck, exhausted, and disconnected from yourself.
Letting go of that version of you—the always-on, always-doing, always-proving version—might come with some grief. That’s normal. It’s hard to say goodbye to the parts of you that once helped you survive, even if they’re not serving you anymore.
But you’re not losing yourself. You’re uncovering a version of you that maybe hasn’t had much space to come forward before.
Let’s try a quick exercise (no pressure—just take a moment if it feels helpful):
If you loosened your grip—just a little—on that version of ambition that’s rooted in perfectionism or people-pleasing:
What might you notice about yourself underneath?
Would you be more genuine? More present? More creative?
What might you do differently if you didn’t feel the need to constantly be “on”?
What’s on the Other Side of Slowing Down?
Here’s what I really want you to know: slowing down isn’t just about not doing things. It’s about creating space for the stuff that actually matters.
Because when fear is the thing driving you—fear of letting people down, being judged, failing, being forgotten—you end up building a life that looks impressive on the outside but might feel kind of empty on the inside.
Slowing down lets you shift from fear-based motivation to something more grounded in desire, meaning, and a more real, authentic you. You start to ask:
What kind of life do I actually want?
What kind of person do I want to be—not just at work, but in my relationships, in how I treat myself, and how I move through the world?
What does it look like to be ambitious and have boundaries? And rest? And be kind to myself?
Let’s try another short exercise, if you’re up for it:
Imagine a version of your life where you don’t feel like you have to be “on” all the time.
Where you’re not constantly chasing something.
Where you feel more grounded, more intentional, more at ease.
What would that version of your life look like?
What would you have space or energy for that you don’t have now?
What might shift in your relationships? In your work? In how you feel in your own body?
So… What Does Slowing Down Actually Look Like?
Honestly? Sometimes it’s awkward!
And it’s also so much more.
It might look like noticing that little spike of anxiety after you say no to something—and choosing not to fix it by immediately saying “yes” out of guilt.
It might look like finishing a project when it’s good enough, even if there’s a voice in your head whispering, you could do more.
It might look like leaving work at 5:00, even if your inbox isn’t at zero.
It might look like taking a mental health day—and not spending the whole time trying to “earn” or justify it by getting things done around the house.
And yeah, it might feel boring or uncomfortable at first. But over time it can start to feel like peace. Like clarity. Like you showing up for your life in a new way.
And the best part? You don’t have to overhaul everything or burn your life to the ground. You can start small: set one boundary, say no once, let yourself finish something at 90% instead of 110%.
It’s okay to try it, see how it feels, and adjust if/when you need to. This isn’t about doing it “perfectly.” (And actually, that’s kind of the whole point.)
Ambition Through Slowing Down
You don’t have to choose between being ambitious and living a life that feels like yours.
You can still care about doing good work, growing, contributing, achieving goals! But you can do it in a way that doesn’t require you to abandon yourself in the process.
And honestly? That kind of ambition—the kind that’s sustainable, aligned, and rooted in who you actually are—is way more powerful than the kind that burns you out and leaves you empty.
Slowing down isn’t giving up. It’s giving yourself a chance.
Is Perfectionism Therapy in Garden City, New York the Reset You’ve Been Wanting?
If you’ve been craving rest but feel afraid that slowing down means losing your ambition, you’re not alone. From my Garden City–based practice, I work with anxious perfectionists and people-pleasers who are tired of holding it all together on the outside while feeling exhausted on the inside. In perfectionism therapy, we focus on helping you step away from hustle-driven pressure and people-pleasing loops, so you can build ambition that actually feels sustainable. You don’t need to have all the answers before you start—you just need space to show up as yourself.
Learn more about how I support anxious perfectionists like you
Slowing down doesn’t mean giving up—it means giving yourself the chance to live with more clarity, balance, and connection. Therapy can help you find that pace.
Other Therapy Services at Balanced Connection Counseling
If slowing down feels almost impossible—and perfectionism isn’t the only thing making it hard—you’re not alone. Anxiety, people-pleasing, burnout, and the unique pressures many women face often show up right alongside ambition, making it harder to rest without guilt or set boundaries without fear. That’s why I offer perfectionism therapy in Garden City, New York, therapy for women, and support for the patterns that convince you to keep pushing, even when you’re already stretched thin. If you’ve been craving space to step out of hustle mode and into something more sustainable, therapy can be the place to start.
About the Author
Adina Babad, LMHC-D, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who offers online therapy for perfectionism and anxiety throughout New York. She works with women who balance high standards, people-pleasing, and ambition—often holding it all together on the outside while quietly feeling drained on the inside. With warmth and clinical insight, Adina helps clients untangle these patterns so they can redefine ambition on their own terms—without sacrificing their well-being in the process. In perfectionism therapy, she reminds you that slowing down isn’t giving up—it’s creating room for clarity, connection, and a more grounded version of yourself.