When Life Doesn’t Go as Planned: A Guide for Anxious Perfectionists and People-Pleasers Navigating Change
You had a plan. Maybe not a detailed, color-coded spreadsheet kind of plan—but a general sense of how things would go.
You’d keep working hard, showing up for the people around you, staying on top of things. It felt like if you just kept doing enough, everything would stay mostly okay. But as I see so often in perfectionism therapy, life doesn’t always follow the script.
But then something changed. A relationship ended. You got passed up for a promotion—or maybe laid off. You got a diagnosis you weren’t expecting. Suddenly, that sense of control you were clinging to feels like it’s gone. And now, you might be blaming yourself, wondering what you did wrong, feeling like you failed.
As a therapist for perfectionism in Garden City & throughout New York who works with perfectionists and people-pleasers, I see this kind of reaction a lot in clients navigating people pleasing, perfectionism and anxiety. That feeling like you should’ve seen this coming. That you somehow could’ve prevented it. That if you’d just tried harder, done better, been more prepared—maybe it wouldn’t have happened.
That reaction is totally understandable, especially if you’ve been holding it all together for a long time.
What Comes Up When Plans Fall Apart
When things don’t go according to plan—or change comes out of nowhere—it often brings up a ton of emotions. If you lean toward perfectionism or people-pleasing, certain patterns or thoughts can get especially loud in moments like this:
The Inner Critic: “You should’ve done more”
This is the part that convinces you it’s your fault. That you missed something. That if you'd only tried harder, this wouldn’t be happening. It offers a false sense of control—if it’s your fault, maybe next time you can prevent it. But this self-blame tends to backfire, draining your energy and feeding shame instead of clarity.
The Over-Functioner: “Fix it. Fast”
Cue panic-planning. This part wants to fix everything right now so you can avoid sitting with the uncomfortable feelings. It’s a mix of avoidance and urgency: If I can solve this quickly, maybe I don’t have to actually feel the loss.
The People-Pleaser: “Don’t let anyone down”
This part tries to manage how others perceive you. It might want to soften the narrative (“I was thinking of breaking up with them anyway”) or downplay your pain (“I’m honestly fine!”). You might worry that leaning on someone will be a burden—or that they won’t show up in the way you need.
What You’re Really Afraid Of
Let’s pause here—because this is important.
If you look underneath the anxiety, the blame, the urgency, the pleasing... what you often find are deeper fears.
Like:
Fear that you won’t be able to handle this change
Fear that it means something about you—like confirmation that you're not good enough or not worthy of good things
Fear of rejection—maybe the change felt like rejection, or you're afraid people will judge you for things falling apart
Fear that things won’t stabilize again—that you’ll be stuck in this uncertain place forever
These fears are so human, so real. And no, they don’t mean something is wrong with you, or that everything they’re telling you is true.
In fact, the strategies you’ve used—overworking, overthinking, over-giving—probably helped you feel safe in the past. They may have even worked for a while. But that doesn’t mean they’re still helping you now.
What If You Didn’t Have to Fix Everything? A New Way to Respond When Life Doesn’t Go as Planned
If your default mode is to do something—to explain, solve, plan, hide, prove—it makes total sense. You’re trying to feel safe again.
But what if you gave yourself permission to pause and try something new? What if, instead of reacting from fear, you gave yourself space to feel first—then responded from a grounded place, where you could learn to trust yourself and handle what comes next?
These are exactly the kinds of shifts that come up in perfectionism therapy, where you can practice slowing down, noticing anxious thoughts, and choosing a gentler way forward.
Some gentle ways to experiment with that:
Try not overexplaining or justifying what happened
Try being honest with someone you trust—about how you’re actually doing, not the polished version
Try letting someone support you, without minimizing your need or apologizing for it
Try noticing your emotions and thoughts before rushing to fix them
Try being kind to yourself instead of going straight to criticism
Try recognizing anxious thoughts without feeding them (this is called cognitive defusion in ACT therapy)
Try letting others worry about you, without managing their discomfort
Try not overcompensating in other areas just to feel like you’re still in control
These are small shifts, but they add up. And they let you respond from a place of self-trust—not fear.
What to Do When Things Don’t Go as Planned: A Grounding Practice
So, what can you actually do the next time something unexpected happens?
Instead of jumping straight into panic mode or people-pleasing mode, try grounding yourself first. You can totally get back to planning or problem-solving later—once you’ve let the emotions move through and given yourself a chance to re-regulate.
Pause. Notice what you’re feeling. Approach your thoughts with curiosity instead of judgment.
Be in your body. Let yourself feel the discomfort. Where do you feel it? What does it feel like? Just notice.
Practice self-compassion. If you weren’t being so critical, what would you say to yourself instead?
Balance the negative bias. Without pretending it’s “all good,” can you identify one neutral or positive thing about this change?
Play out a different version of the story. Instead of spiraling into the worst-case scenario, imagine what else could happen. Not just the fear version—try the neutral version. Or even a hopeful one.
Then, take action—if and when you’re ready. But do it from a grounded place. From insight, not impulse.
Optional Reflection Prompts
Here are a couple ways to go deeper, if you’re in a journaling mood:
If you weren’t focused on blaming yourself or fixing it, what else could this change mean?
What might you be open to seeing or learning here?
If a friend were going through this, how would you feel toward them? What would you say to them? What if you said that to yourself?
When Growth Looks Like Falling Apart (At First)
You could follow the usual route: panic, self-blame, over-correct, over-function. You could let fear run the show and keep trying to control the outcome.
Or—
You could let yourself fall apart a little. You could feel the things. You could admit that you’re overwhelmed, anxious, scared. And then? You could start to shift. Slowly. Gently. Intentionally.
Working with a therapist for perfectionism can help you untangle the cycle of people pleasing, perfectionism and anxiety, so change doesn’t always have to feel like failure.
You can still take action. But it can come from a place of self-compassion, clarity, and care—instead of fear.
For more approaching change or mistakes from a growth mindset, read my blog post, From Anxiety to Growth: How Perfectionists Can Learn to Embrace Mistakes.
Is Perfectionism Therapy in Garden City, New York the Support You Need When Life Doesn’t Go as Planned?
If you’ve been running on ambition and people-pleasing, but secretly long for rest, clarity, and permission to slow down—you’re not alone. From my Garden City–based practice, I work with high-achieving perfectionists who feel caught between wanting to keep pushing forward and wondering if it’s finally okay to pause. In perfectionism therapy, we explore what it means to honor your ambition without losing yourself in overthinking, burnout, or constant pressure. You don’t need to have every answer figured out—you just need a little space to breathe and show up as you are.
Learn more about how I support people-pleasing, perfectionists like you navigating change
Even when life looks nothing like you expected, therapy can help you steady yourself and begin building resilience, calm, and balance.
Other Therapy Services at Balanced Connection Counseling
If navigating change has shown you that perfectionism isn’t the only challenge you’re facing, you’re not alone. Anxiety, burnout, and people-pleasing often show up alongside it—making it harder to feel grounded, set boundaries, or adjust to new circumstances. That’s why I offer perfectionism therapy in Garden City, New York and therapy for women, along with support for the patterns that make it feel impossible to step back without guilt. If you’ve been wondering what it might feel like to have a space focused not on performance or expectations, but on your real needs, therapy can be that place.
About the Author
Adina Babad, LMHC-D, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who offers online therapy for perfectionism and anxiety throughout New York. She works with women who find themselves overthinking, people-pleasing, or over-functioning when life doesn’t go according to plan—while quietly feeling weighed down underneath. With warmth and clinical grounding, Adina helps clients untangle these patterns, especially when unexpected change threatens their sense of control. In perfectionism therapy, she reminds you that you don’t need to wait for a crisis to seek support—you can start building self-trust and balance now.