How Perfectionism and People-Pleasing Show Up in Your Relationship with Money
How do you feel when you think about money? How about when you spend it?
What about spending on yourself vs spending on someone else? And when you’re spending on yourself, does the feeling change when it’s something you “need” vs something you want?
As a therapist in New York who works with women navigating anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing, this has been coming up a lot in sessions lately. If you’ve noticed your own patterns of perfectionism and people-pleasing, you might be familiar with the feeling that focusing on your own needs is somehow “selfish.” But how often do you notice that same mindset showing up around money?
If you’re like many of my clients, it shows up a lot—maybe more than you realize day to day. It’s easy to dismiss or minimize it, especially if, on paper, you’re “good with money,” financially stable, or doing better than many people around you.
How This Shows Up Day to Day
Do any of these feel familiar?
You might feel guilty or selfish when you…
Want to make more money or have more financial ease
Ask (or even think about asking) for a raise
Spend money on yourself (even when you can afford it)
Suddenly overspend after “being good” for a while
Don’t stick perfectly to your budget
Say no to family members or friends who ask for money
Spend money when you know other people are struggling
Compare your salary to your friends’ salaries
Say no to plans for things you’d rather not have to spend on (like a group trip or a fancy dinner you don’t even really care about)
Buy something without doing a ton of research first
Invest in support that would genuinely make your life easier (like outsourcing, therapy, coaching, or help at home)
Upgrade something that already “works fine”
And as a result, you might find yourself…
Making your life work on what you make now, even if you know your life would be more comfortable if you got that raise
Avoiding asking for raises whenever possible
Spending on others to “balance out” spending on yourself (or instead of spending on yourself)
Beating yourself up for overspending… or honestly, just for spending at all
Avoiding checking your bank account
Helping out whoever needs help financially, even when it’s a lot
Ignoring money whenever possible
Saying yes to plans you didn’t budget for, even if you’d rather use that money for something else
Or, on the other side, making excuses not to go (“My boss won’t let me take off Friday,” or “My parents really want to spend that night with me”)
Doing tons of research before buying something, and then second-guessing the decision anyway
Spending money on smaller things, but rarely on bigger things (even if it ends up adding up to the same amount)
Feeling anxious about lifestyle inflation, even when your spending is thoughtful and intentional
Avoiding truly investing in yourself—not because you can’t afford it, but because it feels uncomfortable, indulgent, or “too much”—through forms of self-care you’d genuinely benefit from, like buying higher-quality food, getting physical therapy for that lingering injury, taking time off, or even starting therapy
If you’re nodding along right now… you’re totally not alone!
What Do Perfectionism and People-Pleasing Have to Do with Money?
When I think about perfectionism, people-pleasing, and money (especially with women), I tend to think about how so many of us developed that “nice” or “good girl” persona growing up.
If that’s something you learned early on, you were probably rewarded for being accommodating, focusing on others, doing things “right,” and not making people uncomfortable. Over time, that can turn into measuring your worth by how easy you are, how little you need, or how well you keep things running for everyone else.
Perfectionism adds another layer. It tends to come with rigidity: strong internal rules about what’s “right” and “wrong” to spend on, what you should prioritize, and what’s considered acceptable or irresponsible. When there’s a lot of pressure to get it right, you might end up restricting yourself quite a bit… which can then lead to overspending later.
On the other side of that, over-control is procrastination and avoidance. That might look like avoiding your bank account, putting off money conversations with your partner or friends, delaying starting something new because it costs money, or waiting too long to buy a plane ticket for a trip coming up. That avoidance not only drags out the stress (because avoidance doesn’t actually make it go away), but it often leads to more issues in the long run (like higher prices when we finally book that ticket).
Add people-pleasing into the mix, and it makes sense that money decisions can feel heavy. You don’t want to disappoint anyone, look bad, be judged, or come across as selfish. So, you might overcompensate by hiding spending from a partner, not addressing money even in therapy, spending intentionally on others to “balance” what you spent on yourself, downplaying how much you make, or saying yes to every dinner invite even when it doesn’t align with your budget or priorities.
What’s Really Underneath These Patterns
This is something I often say to my clients in therapy when we’re talking about this: it’s not actually about the money. It’s about what the money represents.
Like other patterns in our lives, money patterns tend to come with themes of scarcity (even when there’s objectively enough, or more than enough), fear, imposter syndrome, and self-worth. With perfectionism and people-pleasing specifically, some of the fears underneath might sound like:
Am I a bad person if I spend on myself instead of someone else, or if I want a nicer version of this thing?
If I have money and choose to spend it on myself, but I don’t pay for the people in my life, will they be upset with me?
What if people think I’m greedy or selfish, and they don’t want to be around me anymore?
Will people stop inviting me if I don’t keep up with their spending?
What if people think my decisions are silly, too rigid, or unnecessary? (Or in other words: what if they judge me?)
What if I choose the “wrong” thing to spend on and regret it? Does that mean I’m irresponsible, less capable, or not as put-together as everyone else?
Have I even earned this? Do I actually deserve it?
What if I like spending on myself too much and it gets out of control?
I want to save for the future, but what if people think I’m selfish or “hoarding” money if I have it but don’t spend it?
What if people think I’m out of touch or irresponsible because of how much I spend, or how much I have?
None of these thoughts (or actions) make you selfish, shallow, or bad with money. But they do point to how much weight money is carrying emotionally, and how much it’s tied into other patterns and fears.
Why This Matters (Even If You’re “Good with Money”)
On the surface, things might feel fine enough. You’re managing. It’s working… kind of.
Struggling with money emotionally doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful, out of touch, or unaware of your privilege. It means money has become tied to your sense of worth, safety, or belonging—often in ways that developed early on and can secretly affect your choices now.
But if these patterns are there and aren’t addressed, they tend to build quietly underneath. Whether we’re talking about your relationship with money specifically, or perfectionism and people-pleasing more broadly, they chip away at your sense of self over time. Decision-making becomes exhausting. Resentment seeps in. Anxiety and self-doubt grow. And you lose opportunities to be more values-aligned in your life and authentic and connected in your relationships.
Money is still a pretty taboo topic (especially for women) and avoiding it can feel easier. But money stress doesn’t disappear just because we don’t talk about it. If anything, silence gives it more control.
These are important conversations to have. And if it feels hard to reflect on this on your own or talk about it with people in your life (which makes total sense), therapy can be a supportive place to start. It gives you space to explore these patterns safely, without judgment, and to build a relationship with money that feels more aligned and less heavy.
If you’re in New York and want support working through perfectionism, people-pleasing, and the anxiety that often comes with them—including how they show up around money— I’d love to help.
IS IT TIME TO START ONLINE THERAPY FOR PERFECTIONISM IN GARDEN CITY, NEW YORK?
If you keep telling yourself, "I'll feel secure once I have enough saved," but the financial anxiety never seems to end, you're not alone. From my Garden City–based practice, I work with perfectionists and people-pleasers who find themselves caught in cycles of over-researching purchases, obsessing over budgets, or feeling guilty about every dollar spent—even when their finances are objectively stable. In online therapy for perfectionism in Garden City, New York, we slow down the cycle of financial overthinking, scarcity thinking, and money anxiety—creating space to make values-aligned decisions without the constant pressure, shame, or fear. You don't have to achieve perfect financial security to feel worthy of spending money on yourself; you just need a safe place to start understanding what drives your relationship with money and how perfectionism and people-pleasing show up in your spending, saving, and financial self-worth.
Learn more about me as a therapist for perfectionism and people-pleasing in New York, and how I support perfectionists navigating money anxiety
You're allowed to spend money on yourself without guilt. Therapy can help you find balance between financial responsibility and actually enjoying the life you're working so hard to build.
OTHER THERAPY SERVICES AT BALANCED CONNECTION COUNSELING
If "I'll feel secure once I have more money" has quietly turned into your default setting, there's a good chance perfectionism isn't the only thing driving your financial anxiety. Anxiety, burnout, people-pleasing, and the anxious perfectionist in New York patterns often show up right alongside money stress—making it even harder to spend guilt-free, set financial boundaries with family, or believe your worth isn't tied to your bank account balance. That's why I offer online therapy for perfectionism in Garden City, New York, along with support for the patterns that keep you financially overextended, unable to say no to others' requests for money, or paralyzed by financial decisions. From therapy for women in Garden City, NY to specialized work addressing perfectionism and anxiety in New York, I help clients untangle the emotional layers beneath their money stories. If you've been wondering what it might be like to have a space where you don't have to justify your purchases or achieve perfect financial security first, therapy can be a gentle place to start exploring your relationship with money, worth, and self-compassion.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Adina Babad, LMHC-D, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who offers online therapy for perfectionism in Garden City, New York and throughout New York State. She works with women who are constantly second-guessing their financial decisions—researching every purchase to exhaustion, feeling guilty about spending on themselves, and tying their self-worth to their savings account balance or ability to financially help others. With warmth, clinical grounding, and a deep understanding of how perfectionism and people-pleasing in New York keep women financially overextended and anxious, Adina helps clients step out of the pressure to achieve perfect financial security and begin creating space for a more balanced, values-aligned relationship with money. In therapy for women in Garden City, NY, she offers a place where you get to explore your money patterns without judgment—so you can finally make financial decisions with confidence, set boundaries around money with care, and believe your worth isn't measured by your net worth or your willingness to financially support everyone around you.