When Money Stops Being About Survival and Starts Being About Worth
At a certain point, money stops being about survival.
Your bills are paid. You’ve got some kind of safety net. There’s enough for more than just getting by.
And yet… money can still feel incredibly emotional, especially when money anxiety and self-worth get tied together.
It can still feel like it’s tied to survival, even when there isn’t an actual, immediate threat. For a lot of people, that’s because of the stories they developed around money early on. But it’s also because money often gets tangled up with self-worth and self-trust in ways we don’t always realize.
I’m an online therapist for perfectionism in New York who works with anxious women with perfectionistic and people-pleasing tendencies, and this comes up a lot in my work. Because money is loaded for so many people, and yet it’s something we don’t talk about nearly enough.
So instead, it just sits there and builds up. The anxiety grows, and sometimes shame sneaks in too.
And honestly? I love getting to talk about this with clients. I love naming it and normalizing it, helping people untangle the deeper patterns that aren’t actually serving them anymore.
Where Money Stories Come From (and How They Shape Your Relationship with Money)
In my private practice, I work with people from all different financial backgrounds, but I notice a lot of similar struggles showing up in the present. And what we usually end up finding is that it’s not really about how much money they’re making. It’s about what money means to them. And even deeper—what they feel money says about their worth and safety.
These money stories come from our families, our experiences, and even the larger culture we live in. We’re surrounded by messages about what adulthood is “supposed to” look like (you know, buying a home, having a great career, raising a family, all by a certain age – oh, and still having a budget for plenty of international trips!). When you add in social media, the seemingly non-stop rising cost of living, and a culture that tells us productivity = worth = money, well… no wonder so many of us are feeling the pressure.
So, even when you’re objectively doing fine, it can still feel like you’re behind.
On top of that, your early experiences with money tend to help form your relationship with money and the beliefs about yourself and the world that come with it. Here are a few examples based on the stories I’ve heard over the years (not any one person, but patterns that I’ve seen come up again and again):
Growing Up Without Enough
One woman grew up in a family where money was always tight. Even if it wasn’t talked about openly, it was felt. She learned not to ask for too much, not to be selfish. She learned that being “good” meant staying small and not having many needs or wants, because wanting more felt risky.
When she did want something or asked for it, it felt wrong. Or she was met with reminders that there just wasn’t enough, which internally translated into my needs don’t matter enough to be taken care of.
Now, she earns plenty. Her bills are paid. She’s objectively financially stable, and probably more than just stable.
But there’s still a nagging fear that it’s never quite enough, and that if she doesn’t get everything just right, it could all disappear. When she spends money, it might feel freeing in the moment… and then later, the doubt creeps in. Did I deserve that? Was that irresponsible?
Growing Up with Money… and Constant Stress About It
Another woman grew up in a family that had plenty of money. But one or both parents were constantly stressed about it, talking about how there was never enough. Even though, objectively, there was.
She learned that having money doesn’t equal safety. That you can’t relax. That you have to stay on top of everything to keep things from falling apart. Spending money might have come with lectures about “responsibility,” or subtle guilt. Or maybe she was allowed to spend, but then overheard her parents complaining about money in other ways.
So, she internalized the idea that wanting more creates stress, and maybe even that the stress is her fault.
Now, she has a solid income, but hoarding money feels like the only way to stay safe. She worries about how others will judge her spending. She constantly questions whether she’s being “responsible enough.”
A Hard Financial Start to Adulthood
Another woman had a tough financial start to adulthood: student loans, a brutal job market, years of working hard in jobs that didn’t pay enough, and watching peers (or at least people on social media) seem to have it all together financially.
Over time, that stress became personal. Maybe I’m just not good enough. Maybe I made the wrong choices.
Now that she’s more stable, she’s terrified of “failing” again. She feels behind. She worries about catching up. She questions her past decisions—and whether she can trust herself going forward.
—
These backgrounds are different, but they often lead to the same place.
Because in the end, it’s not actually about the money. It’s about self-worth, responsibility, and safety. Even if money doesn’t actually need to carry all of that weight.
From my experience as a therapist, we don’t tend to change these patterns by just telling ourselves to “think differently” or by forcing ourselves to be calm about money. It really helps to understand where these beliefs came from, so we can work with them from a deeper, more compassionate place. Otherwise, they tend to keep showing up, just in different forms.
What This Is Really About: Self-Worth, Perfectionism, People-Pleasing, and Money
Money is a real concern for most of us. The economy is rough. The job market feels unstable. Life feels less and less affordable, especially here in New York. I never want to minimize that reality.
And, for people who do have a certain level of financial stability or privilege, there’s often an extra layer underneath the stress. It’s not just anxiety about money—it’s anxiety about yourself:
Self-doubt.
High expectations.
Fear of falling behind.
Fear of how others will see you.
The same perfectionism and people-pleasing patterns that show up in work, relationships, and burnout also show up in how you spend money, and how you feel about spending it:
Struggling to trust your own judgment
“Is this really worth it? Is this the best possible way to spend this money?”Feeling like mistakes aren’t allowed
“What if I regret this? I can’t mess this up.”Valuing others’ needs over your own
“It’s selfish to spend this if it’s just for me.”Worrying about others’ opinions
“They’ll think this is wasteful or irresponsible.”
This is something I see often in my work as an online therapist for perfectionism and anxiety. Money becomes another place where you feel like you have to get it exactly right—or else.
Why This Doesn’t Go Away on Its Own
Without working through the deeper stuff, no amount of money is ever going to feel like enough. (If you ever need a reminder of how true that is, just look at the billionaires out there hoarding money).
There will always be someone to compare yourself to—the person you knew in high school who’s now running a tech company, the friend buying a house and having a baby, the influencer who somehow travels nonstop and buys everything they want.
You’ll keep obsessing over making the “right” decision. Or avoiding your finances altogether because it feels overwhelming.
Until you work on the beliefs underneath it all.
When those patterns start to shift, money can become… just money. Not a measure of your worth. Not proof of whether you’re doing life correctly. Just a tool.
And getting there usually takes support, time, and care. It takes a willingness to invest in yourself—not because you have something to prove, but because you deserve to feel more at ease in your own life.
IS IT TIME TO START THERAPY FOR PERFECTIONISM IN GARDEN CITY, NEW YORK?
If you keep waiting to feel "good enough" before you can spend money guilt-free, or if financial decisions feel impossibly heavy no matter how stable your bank account looks, you're not alone. At Balanced Connection Counseling, my Garden City–based practice, I work with anxious perfectionists and people-pleasers who tie their self-worth to their savings account, agonize over every purchase, or feel like they haven't "earned" the right to enjoy their money—even when they're objectively doing well financially. In therapy for perfectionism in Garden City, New York, we unpack the beliefs that keep you trapped in cycles of scarcity thinking, money anxiety, and the exhausting pressure to prove your worth through financial achievement. Working with an online therapist for perfectionism means you get personalized support to understand how perfectionism and people-pleasing show up in your relationship with money—and how to build a healthier, more compassionate approach to spending, saving, and actually enjoying the life you're working so hard to create.
Learn more about me as a therapist for perfectionism and anxiety in New York, and how I help perfectionists navigate money and self-worth struggles
You don't have to achieve perfect financial security to deserve kindness from yourself. Therapy can help you break free from the patterns that make money feel like a measure of your worth.
OTHER THERAPY SERVICES AT BALANCED CONNECTION COUNSELING
If the weight of financial decisions feels heavier than it should, or if you find yourself saying yes to purchases for others while denying yourself basic comforts, there's often more going on beneath the surface than just "being responsible with money." Anxiety, burnout, people-pleasing, and patterns of tying your self-worth to productivity often show up alongside money stress—making it nearly impossible to spend without guilt, set financial boundaries with loved ones, or believe you're worthy of rest and enjoyment regardless of your net worth. That's why I offer therapy for perfectionism in Garden City, New York, along with specialized support for the emotional patterns that keep you financially stressed, unable to invest in your own needs, or convinced you haven't "earned" the right to relax until you hit some impossible financial milestone. I help clients understand the deeper stories driving their relationship with money, worth, and self-compassion. If you've been waiting for permission to spend money on yourself without shame, or if you're tired of letting financial anxiety dictate your sense of worthiness, therapy for perfectionism can offer a compassionate space to start rewriting those patterns.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Adina Babad, LMHC-D, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and online therapist for perfectionism in Garden City and throughout New York State. She works with anxious perfectionists and people-pleasers who find themselves trapped in cycles of financial overthinking—agonizing over every purchase, feeling undeserving of spending money on themselves, and measuring their self-worth by how much they've saved or how willing they are to financially sacrifice for others. With warmth, clinical expertise, and a deep understanding of how perfectionism and anxiety show up in your relationship with money, Adina helps clients untangle the beliefs that keep them financially stressed, guilt-ridden about self-care spending, and convinced they haven't "earned" the right to enjoy their money. In her Garden City-based practice, she creates a compassionate space where you can explore your money patterns without shame—so you can finally make financial decisions that align with your values, set boundaries around money with confidence, and begin building a relationship with yourself where your worth isn't contingent on your bank account balance or your ability to financially please everyone around you.